The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit
by highwayman813
Summary: The truth the Bible doesn't want you to know- i.e. what Archangel Raphael, Tobias, Sarah, the demon Asmodeus and a bunch of thankfully unmentioned people were really up to... COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**

_**Sypnosis: The whole truth and nothing but the truth, AKA what the Bible doesn't want you to know--- i.e. ****What Archangel Raphael, Tobias, Sarah, the mysterious fish and a bunch of ****thankfully unmentioned ****people were really up to...**_

_Dedicated to my friends BAD and Cockatrice. This was written many years ago, when I was obsessed with Wodehouse. Hope fans of Wodehouse-que humor might find this enjoyable! I will upload the rest as soon as I finish formatting them._

Tobias's Diary (1)

Dear Diary,

Today is another one of those days that exists so that you can tick it off the calendar with a huge sigh of relief--- that's not to say it's dull, mind you. On the contrary, I'd much prefer a day that I can safely forget about in my old age. Yet this is one of those days that gets imprinted on your memory so firmly that, if I ever dreamt about it in the future, I'm sure I would leap out of my sheets with a blood-curdling yell. Note to self: if I ever had the guts to go on a journey again, I would have the prudence to hire a guide who could, above all, cook decently, and have normal conversations, regardless of how many times he says he has been to my cousin's house. This specimen Azarias, whom we virtually picked up at the front door, claims to be a practitioner of medical science. Whenever he's not staring at the road ahead, he's entertaining me with tales of the good times he had in my cousin Raguel's house, which, by the way, mainly involved issuing death certificates for some young men who got killed by a demon. Most disturbing, that.

Apart from the usual ghastly anecdotes Azarias told me jovially, one excitement of the day happened in a good way: while I was splashing around in the River Tigris, a sizable fish tried to amputate me, probably having mistaken my foot for a can of worms. It was no match for a man who could eat anything at the moment: I disemboweled it and in no time at all it was roasting on top of a jolly fire under my companion's disapproving gaze. I secretly uttered a prayer to Heaven for delivering me from the usual bill-of-fare prepared by my companion, who insists that the brown yuk he makes is practically bouncing with nutrients and can keep me sprightly till I'm two hundred. I agree with him most heartily on that point: by Jehovah, a spoonful of that stuff can give an Egyptian Mummy a nasty jolt! I just haven't the heart to refuse it every meal because Azarias looks so sincere about it. After ten days of this medication, even Raguel's house, in the middle of nowhere and a lot of corpses, seems to beckon like the Garden of Eden.

Anyway, after I have soaked up the fish like manna from Heaven and packed away some of the entrails (my companion had let me save some to feed my dog Toby in the future), the really frightful ordeal of the evening began. Although Father said a fellow has got to go through some ordeals in his life, an ordeal of this magnitude, I reckon, ought to be spread out over fifty years:

"Tobias, do you remember Sarah, Raguel's daughter?"

"I jolly well do! She's the corpse-factory you keep telling me about, isn't she?"

"Nonsense! How many times do I have to tell you, that a demon's behind all this? Anyway, she is beautiful and wise. You might like to marry her."

"Not if I want a wife who'll stick with me till I die."

"Actually, it is imperative that you marry her. If you do, her father will give you half of his property, which your family will very well benefit from."

"Does the fact that he's giving so much to get Sarah off his hands suggest anything to you? I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole."

"I'm afraid you'll have to--- according to the Law of Moses, she's your rightful inheritance, and failure to marry her is punishable by death!"

"Wha?" I spent a few minutes goggling, having choked on a fish bone I was sucking on.

"Relax!" Said Azarias smoothly. "I've got it all planned out for you. As soon as we arrived at Raguel's house, I'll tackle Raguel and everything will be off like a shot. By no means worry about the demon, Tobias. I have confidence that I can deal with it. The Lord will watch over your family, Tobias!"

"I don't think I can deal with it! Besides, I don't want to marry yet."

"That inconvenience can be easily overlooked." Said my guide with a careless wave. "We'll reach the house by nightfall, so try to get prepared and look your best. Put a spring into your step, and do stop mumbling under your breath, will you?"

You see, my guide has this way of talking matter-of-fact-ly that somehow reduces a fellow to numb acceptance while he's shoved into the soup. I just couldn't help envying snails as I crawled towards that building in the distance that spells my demise. To anyone who's reading this, if I have passed away to the world beyond, you'd know whom to blame, wouldn't you?

* * *

Archangel Raphael's quest log (1)

Today is certainly not a good day to start undertaking a serious mission! Deceptively, things have been going in the most invigorating way in the morning, with only one slight dissatisfaction: well, I'm afraid I have rather lost track of Tobias's diet. He caught a thing in the river and started smearing his face with it as if it's ambrosia, that I just didn't have the heart to tell him how those burnt bits oxidize his insides, and so on. As soon as he seemed to be in a jovial mood after lunch, I popped him the death-sentence. The effect was better that what I had expected. He merely jumped a foot or so, protested weakly, then took it like a sport. Things were definitely looking up when I drifted into Raguel's place, with Tobias trailing behind like a wreckage.

As far as I'm concerned, my first job is to get Tobias married to Sarah. The demon Asmodeus should be easily taken care of, since he owed me a favor and now is a good time to remind him of the fact. I greeted Raguel, Sarah's father.

"Hello, Brother Raguel!"

"You've come at the right time, Azarias! We'll be needing your services shortly. Fancy having dinner with us?"

"Make that for two extra. Look who I've brought with me!" I moved aside and revealed Exhibit A, who made a pathetic moan behind me. Even brooding King Saul would have looked like a jolly bean next to Tobias.

"Wait a moment, he strikes me as bearing an extraordinary resemblance to someone I know! Are you the son of Timothy, step-brother of my second cousin, who has just started out as a blacksmith?" Said the relative, hovering over Tobias like a vulture.

"No." Croaked Tobias.

"Well then you must be the son of Augustus the son-in-law of my godfather! How's the camel trade going on, old chap?" Raguel made another spirited attempt. Rumplestiltskin would have been impressed.

"No."

"Surely you're not the son of Tobit? I heard there's some trouble in the family, what with the wife stole an ox or something." Meditated Raguel.

"It's not an ox! It's just a lamb, mind you---" Babbled Tobias.

It's high time to get things back on schedule. "I'm afraid you must have made a mistake, sir!" I gave a polite cough. "The whole thing is one of those ridiculous misunderstandings. By the way, this is Tobias son of Tobit your relative."

I had expected them to slap each other on the back and have a good laugh about the matter, but Raguel continued to ogle at Tobias as if he's something the burglar left behind, while Tobias had gone splat on the ground like quivering jelly.

"Are you sure its not an ox? I heard---" Repeated the man obstinately. Very offensive, that. I gave a forced laugh.

"Can't you talk about anything else? It's a bloody mistake, good heavens---" Fortunately, the matter was temporarily dropped as the assemblage of cutlery is detected.

"Dinner!" Exclaimed Tobias hoarsely, and stumbled towards the table like a dying man.

"Well, well!" Puffed the old egg, glancing at Tobias's back with an expression I was not too optimistic about. Even angels know when not to push things so far, so I bided my time.

Thankfully, atmosphere improved greatly over the course of dinner. Raguel's wife, Edna, had greatly taken with Tobias. The sight of Tobias wolfing up her slops had, I suppose, greatly raised her esteem of him. As for Sarah, she kept to herself, looking so sad that any man's heart would have ached for her, although it was rather hard to tell with Tobias as his heart was not on the subject of chivalry at the moment.

Raguel had become almost congenial, so I decided to raise the matter. "Brother Raguel," I began. "I would like to discuss with you a matter of the utmost importance. You see, your cousin Tobias wishes to marry your daughter---"

"What?" Interrupted Raguel. The man had turned absolutely livid in half a second, a most astonishing reaction time. It was almost fascinating, like some fast-forward scene of tomato ripening.

I hated to be interrupted. "Tobias is a most honorable and industrious fellow, pious in the way of God---"

"His family can scarcely support itself!" Roared Raguel.

"Shame on you, sir, to be thinking of such base things!" I reprimanded. "After all, the Law of Moses---"

"Well, Moses would jolly well marry his daughter to someone with a viable means of living!" Replied Raguel in a satisfied way. I had to admit that this momentarily stumped me. I glanced at Tobias for support, but the spineless pig just sat there with a faint smile, as if he was watching a distant road play or something. It was at this highly vulnerable moment when Raguel's daughter, Sarah, snipped the life-line:

"Father?" She said, a trival frostily. "Can you stop talking about marriage? I'm not getting engaged again any time soon, if you remember."

"Remember what?" Repeated Raguel.

"I'm going to get married tonight, have you forgotten?" She continued. We archangels have seen plenty of things that would curdle mortal blood, but somehow, the voice of this female filled me with stronger stuff.

"Oh, that slipped my mind momentarily, I'm sorry." Admitted Raguel, turning back to me with a dusk-red face. "Sarah is scheduled for marriage tonight with a chap called--- er---"

"Nathaniel." Said Sarah helpfully.

"Precisely! I'll forget my own head next!" Chimed the accursed man. "Came yesterday--- most promising lad, an architect or something, if I remember correctly. Claims to have the ability to drive away demons, too. In short, very promising, but we'll find out after the trial sleeping tonight, which is why you must stay around to help me fill in this death-certificate, just in case."

"!" Said Tobias. It seemed as if a ray of light had dawned in his horizon, and sunk again.

"You'll meet him pretty soon," Continued Raguel, as if trying to understand why I was still standing there like a stunned fence. The truth was, there were times when my supernatural sense told me to wait for the death-blow. "Nathaniel is a vegetarian and can't abide the sight of meat, so he has gone roaming outside to arrange his own needs. He'll be back at around--- well, speak of the devil, here he is!"

That was just the line I wanted to say myself, because at that moment, I came face to face with Satan, The Adversary.

* * *

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (2)**

**_Sypnosis: In which Tobias swore an oath, and Archangel Raphael got hitched accidentally..._  
**

Raphael's quest log (2)

Satan wasn't happy to see me. His gaze suggested that I, Raphael, would look much more attractive draped over some kind of torture instrument. A dining room like this wasn't a good place to start a smiting contest if you didn't want people laminated over the walls. So, if my eyes could plead, they were waving the olive branch. Fortunately, I was never high on Hell's enemy list, and in a few seconds he had turned his attention to even less attractive matters, which was chatting with Raguel. Although I had rather hoped for some kind of heavenly retribution to befall that loathsome man Raguel, Heaven might have overdone things a little by introducing the Prince of Darkness as a family member--- for a fleeting moment, I felt rather sorry for him. Satan also looked somewhat sorry--- for himself, no doubt. He had already taken on the cynical and rather glassy look reserved for imbeciles like his father-in-law. I did catch him glance at Sarah once or twice, and it was a kind of calculating glance a master chef gave to a sack of onions.

After dinner, it was time to exchange the goods--- in other words, lay the cards on the table.

"Hello, Raphael, what are you doing in this spot of nowhere?" He said, in a tone that stretches civility to the utmost. I decided that there's not much point to give too much away, so I just touched on the details.

"Just looking into the matter of Asmodeus. And you? I've never thought that you would be contemplating matrimony. Sarah has never hit me as the kind of woman---"

"I see!" His voice has strange harmonics in it. For some reason, a few moments ago he looked like he would bear down upon me with the hatchet, yet now he was more or less benign, as though news reached him that Raphael has been making donations to Hell. "You've come to pull the brake on Asmodeus?"

I was enormously relieved. "Right you are! Indeed! Precisely! What else can I be doing here?"

"Well then I must inform you that I have come with the same purpose."

"Oh? Bad news for the fellow then." I looked around. "But why?"

"I have been told," Satan coughed lightly, as if disclosing some family skeleton. "That the reckless fool has been directing feelings of affection towards this female Sarah. I can't let that sort of thing catch on, can I? If feelings of affection are allowed to run rampant in Hell, no one will ever get anything done."

"Yet you yourself---"

"Driven entirely by strategy, I assure you." He gave me a look of chilled steel. "The fact that you angels are banned from the activity doesn't mean that we throw ourselves into it at the first available opportunity. Anyway Asmodeus, in a most cowardly fashion, has been eluding me ever since I set foot in this accursed place. He is nowhere to be seen but doubtlessly watching our movements."

"So you intend to employ jealousy as a bait?" I heaved a small sigh of relieve. At least this fiend had no plans to share a lifelong relationship with Sarah! Satan's reply confirmed my worst fears.

"I have my own methods." He said coldly. "I suppose you'll be leaving soon?"

I wonder if you're thinking along the same lines, but the more I thought about the matter, the more essential it seemed that Satan must not get married to Sarah. First of all, it won't look good on my record, and secondly, the boss's disapproval really means something in Hell. Satan would get his revenge on Asmodeus by scooping out the insides of Sarah and saying something like "It's all your damned fault, Asmodeus." When the latter turned up broken-heartedly. Definitely like the ending of some sob-fiction, but the point was, I couldn't get Tobias married to a chalk outline on the ground: Tobias might not mind, but I was bound to get in the soup.

So, what should an archangel do in the circumstances? I would say summon my army, for what's the use of an army if they didn't rally around when their commander's in a hole? However I viewed that as a last resort, because Satan could jolly well do the same thing, and, according to the rules of probability, I might--- however I hated the sound of it--- not prevail. Besides, even if I came out on top, someone's bound to come back to challenge my position. The horror of becoming some kind of perpetual war-machine like Archangel Michael was enough to set me clambering for the white flag.

Speaking of the angel, I had a mind to borrow his services soon. For now there's a glimpse of the silver lining and, to top it all, a solution, I proceeded to make arrangements. I found Satan patrolling the premises, possibly to prevent Asmodeus from sneaking in and rescuing his would-be-torturee.

"Hello, old enemy!" I sang. "Any sight of Asmodeus?"

The demon looked quite perturbed. "I have a feeling that something will go wrong shortly." He murmured.

"Indeed? Chaps do before getting married, I suppose. What you need, old chap," I said. "Is something to buck you up."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Ah, here comes Tobias!" I exclaimed. "Have I introduced you to Tobias? He's a decent chap I met on the road. I assume he has come with the life-savers from the kitchen."

"The what?"

"Beverages, if you understand. I think your father-in-law, bless his soul, has opened a keg of that stuff to celebrate your union with her daughter. Wonderful stuff, wine--- saved many a languishing man." I said, picking a cup from the tray Tobias was holding. It had a festive slice of orange on the side. "Possibly just the thing you need before facing the ordeal. Here, let me drink a toast to you."

I took one big sip that must have convinced the worm of its palatability, so he also grabbed a cup off the tray. (Although demons, like angels, didn't normally drink, I suppose most would make an exception if an archangel was doing them the honor) "Very well, I drink to the destruction of Heaven's forces!"

"To the imminent capture of Asmodeus!" I continued while waving a hand at Tobias to dismiss him.

"To the triumph of Hell's standard!"

"To Kingdom Come!"

"To---" He murmured faintly and collapsed in a heap very slowly. By the time I prodded him, he was out cold.

After that things slid smoothly into gear. I carried the prone body to a convenient chair and went to the front of the house. The wind started smelling strongly of ocean, followed by a bright flash of light, and Archangel Michael stood there looking immaculate and armed to the teeth as usual.

"You require me to forcefully remove a demon?" Said Michael, who had been patrolling somewhere around the Arctic I assume.

"Well, it's something about Satan---"

"What did he do?" Michael asked in a weary voice that suggested that he didn't really care a damn about what I would tell him. Satan's bound to be guilty of something.

"To start with, seven husbands of Sarah were killed by---"

"Wait a moment."

Before I had finished, he had shot off. I suppose conversation became a bore when there were demons nearby. After a few moments of silence, he returned to the same spot. I was rather glad that I had had the foresight to dupe Satan. If he had been awake there would have been a most unpleasant yell.

"Well, how was it." I said as Michael blew some smoke off his sword.

"Satan will recover in six days, or at least five." Said Michael thoughtfully. "Although he won't be powerful enough to inflict much harm yet, unless in some dangerous physical shape--- what are your plans then?"

Now that Michael was no longer paranoid, I told him everything I knew. "My plan," I said. "Is to get Tobias and Sarah married in a flash, evacuate before Asmodeus could come back to investigate, and let the two demons duke it out when they meet."

"I thoroughly approve." Said Michael. "This explains why, when I was undertaking action against Satan, he was under the assumption that Asmodeus sent me here."

"What did he say?"

"He mumbled something about him being a traitor. Didn't catch the rest, I'm sorry." Michael sheathed his sword.

"Can't blame you for your efficiency. Anyway, thank you for your help." I had indeed chosen the right sedative. Satan was probably down and out before he realized he was drugged. Now that I'm not his top suspect, at least he won't come screaming for my blood once he emerged from the infernal regenerator, which exerted a certain calm on my old nerves.

"Don't mention it. Good-bye."

* * *

Diary of Tobias (2)

Most people would be a bit on the lethargic side after his marriage proposal had got turned down, but not me. I felt the urge to do a dance, turn a few somersaults, and so on. If the fellow Nathaniel had turned up behind me at this moment, I would have thrown myself at him with the gaiety of a --- well, never mind that. The idea of singing an aria suddenly hit me. I took a deep breath, and the first notes were about to escape me when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was Sarah's mother, Edna.

"Tobias," She said in one of that deep, cooing tones mothers often employed to sooth a child. "I'm afraid my family does owe you an apology. Sarah is indeed your inheritance."

"Well, it's nothing, really!" I must have put a shade too much emphasis in that. It gave my voice a hollow, strained tone that was quite unexpected.

The female sat down on the ground next to me and made a motion to get me seated next to her. Another moment and she would have been cradling my head in her arms and telling me to have a good sob into her shoulder. Laughable, really. "Please forgive us, Tobias." She sniffed. "Yet I suppose everything has happened for your own good. You see, our family is cursed by the demon Asmodeus."

"I'm sorry."

"It's true, he even sent us a warning about his presence!" There was definitely something a-quivering in her voice now. "It was in a letter on Sarah's table a week ago. He said he won't let Sarah marry anyone she doesn't love!" She was absolutely brawling now. I gave her the grim "There, there," mainly because I did not wish to sound overly frivolous.

"My husband thinks it's some kind of a joke." She continued. "By no means get married to Sarah, Tobias. I fear she is destined to be an old maid."

"I shall certainly bear that in mind." I said gravely.

"Here, take this---" I gave a small gasp as something was shoved into my hands. "It's for your family."

"I can't---"

"Take it for my sake, I beg you."

"It's not---"

"Just don't tell my husband. I must go now--- please believe what I said."

I was left clutching the thing in the darkness of the yard when another hand tapped me on the back. I hope it wasn't Raguel coming back to enlist me as a son-in-law after he had thought things over. It turned out to be my old pal Azarias. I shuddered at the touch of this man who had nearly got me signed into a death-contract.

"Tobias!" He hissed.

The man was relentless. I decided to equip some backbone. "Now listen, I don't---"

"I need your help, Tobias!"

"I won't have anything to do with Raguel."

"It's all right, it's about Nathaniel."

"Don't you suggest anything on the nature of a duel with that man. I practically worship the ground he trods on."

He winced, as if I had injured him at some soft spot. "Then you must help me, Tobias. Nathaniel said he has a most frightful headache. I tried to give him the appropriate prescription but he refused to take it. "

"Naturally." I wish I had met this Nathaniel earlier. He is definitely one of the sensible kinds you seldom encounter nowadays. Something was stuffed into my other hand.

"Do me a favor, Tobias. Brew up two cocktails in the kitchen, put a slice of lemon on one of the cups, tip this in and serve up. He won't be suspecting you."

"I say, this is kind of complicated for a headache!"

"And on NO account touch the drink yourself, Tobias. Good luck!"

Well, I carried out the procedures quite smoothly, and the last I saw of the chap, he was sozzling the stuff quite eagerly. Then I went and lay down on my bed with the warm glowing feeling of a job well done. Not a long time passed before I was jerked up from my pillow by a scream.

There's no need to solve "What's wrong with this picture" when I met the scene downstairs. All was clearly not well. Raguel and a gaggle of servants were standing around a body under a piece of cloth.

"Who's that?"

"Just Nathaniel. I'm afraid he's dead." Said Raguel. He appeared to be having some kind of mental struggle. "Can it really be Asmodeus---" He gave a half-hearted wave to a servant. "Lug him to a tomb, and someone fetch Azarias. Where's that blighter when he's needed?"

One of the servants sidled up to Raguel. "Sir, there's something I would like to speak to you in private."

"Just spit it out, man."

"Well," He sneaked me a look that made my stomach twitch. "I was in the kitchen this evening, dusting---"

"I'm in no mood to hear about kitchens, man!"

"--- and I happened to see this gentleman---" Meaning, me. "--- pour a suspicious-looking substance into a cup and served it to the deceased gentleman." He finished, and glanced at his feet modestly to avoid my incredulous look, no doubt.

"Is that true, Tobias?" My relative thundered. I could see the hope in his eyes now--- he probably preferred the culprit to be me than that Asmodeus. After all he couldn't shout at the latter.

"I…" I meant to say something complicated at this point, but the vocal cords just refused to stir.

"Search him!"

A minute later, the mob had totally turned me out like a pocket. "Sir, I found this on him!" Rasped one of the thick-skulled hounds as they handed a paper packet and the thing Edna gave me to the master. It turned out to contain some pieces of jewelry, doubtlessly meant as some kind of financial assistance. Instantly, two other brutes had slipped up behind me as if they were about to tear me from limb to limb at a command.

Raguel made a whistling sound and barely managed to compose himself. "Shame on you, Tobias! Well, to think a murderer and thief would ask for my daughter's hand---"

"What's all this racket about?" Said a familiar voice. I couldn't describe it, but at the moment it sounded like the songs my mother used to sing to me. Instantly, my head became a lot clearer.

"Azarias, this man murdered Brother Nathaniel! Actually, I can see it as clear as day now, he did it in order to marry my daughter, the evil schemer!" The old relative was definitely frothing now.

I'd been expecting Azarias to come up with a good explanation. He excelled himself. "Calm down, Raguel." He said coolly. "I told Tobias to slip Nathaniel a dose of medicine because the man had a headache and was for some reason suspicious of me. Wasn't that so, Tobias?"

"Never a word truer." I said. Somehow the words that had been playing Indian wrestling inside managed to come out in a rush. "Look, Raguel," I virtually shouted, with a force that surprised me. "I must tell you that I am pretty dissatisfied with the way you treat guests. This is no way to make a fellow feel at home. Your wife stuck me the jewelry and Nathaniel was done in by some peeved demon because he was getting married to your daughter and your daughter didn't love him. And, regardless of what Azarias said, I want to make it clear to you that I am NOT going to marry your beastly daughter, even if she was the last person on earth. Have I made myself clear?"

I've never seen the old man and Azarias so flabbergasted. They had turned a whiter shade of pale, as if they had seen a ghost. Somehow my instincts made me turn around, slowly.

"Hello!" Nathaniel was standing at the doorway with the moonlight shining through his hair. "I hope I'm not interrupting?"

The same person whom I saw towed out looking as dead as a corpse seemed to have come back with twice the animation of the average fellow. He didn't speak as much as exclaim, and even sailed over the threshold with a springing step. In short, as an example of the revenging dead he wasn't too convincing.

Raguel was the first to recover, speaking with a forced conviction I was almost proud of to hear from the flesh-and-blood. "You're dead!"

"No I'm not!"

"I've buried you! I just haven't sealed the tomb!"

"Jolly considerate of you, old chap! By the way, what am I called again?"

Azarias was the second to rebound. "Nathaniel." He whispered.

Nathaniel recoiled and made a face, a sight to make the stouthearted leap 3 feet into the air. "What a horribly boring name! If I had the choice, I would have called myself Moonshine, or something like that."

General silence.

"By the way, I heard I'm getting married tonight! Well then I must be late! Will someone show me to Sarah?"

Raguel tried again. "Are you sure you're not dead?"

"How many times do I have to remind you of the fact? Would you like me to do a handstand?"

Raguel appeared to contemplate this, and reached a conclusion. "You can't marry my daughter!" He snapped.

"I assure you I've never felt livelier! Look, what would you like me to do? I can cross water---"

Azarias spoke up with the old medical assurance. "Raguel, it is not unheard of for corpses to perform sporadic convulsions after death, due to contraction of---"

"What's this load of rubbish?" Blinked Nathaniel. "I merely had a bit of headache, or something. You promised me your daughter's hand, Raguel!"

Raguel was quavering now. "I'm afraid the marriage will have to be delayed, because---"

"---because---" Mimicked Nathaniel.

"---er---"

Azarias stepped up. I could see that the old boy had found some way to bail Raguel out of the soup. "Because," He said calmly. "While you were officially dead, I took the liberty of proposing for Sarah's hand."

"And I accepted." Said Raguel quickly.

It was Nathaniel's turn to turn pale and corpselike. "It's impossible!" He moaned. "I'm not dead! So what are you going to do about your promise to me, Raguel? You swore to God that---"

"Enough!" Said Raguel, who seemed to have made up his mind about something. "I know what to do. The demon that haunts this household, Asmodeus, has vowed to kill anyone who marries Sarah but doesn't love her. I swear that I shall marry Sarah to one of you, but Sarah will do the choosing, how's that?"

Azarias groaned. "There's no need to swear, old man!"

Nathaniel smirked and looked at Azarias in a rummy sort of way. "I'm all for it! Where's Sarah?"

"It's too late." I finally managed to find my voice. "Let's go to bed."

Well, that's certainly an eventful day! I was somewhat sorry for Azarias. Somehow there's always this nagging suspicion in my mind that he's doing it for me. I'm just awfully glad that I had completely asserted myself with Raguel and Azarias, and had practically screamed to the world that I am not the least bit interested in Sarah, or… who knows? I hope Azarias finds some way to wriggle out of it soon… well, this is just a thought anyway…

* * *

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (3)**

**_Sypnosis: In which God gave his thumbs-up for romance, and Archangel Raphael's affairs were frowned upon..._  
**

Raphael's quest log--- Interview with a demon

Self: Hello, Asmodeus, I'm afraid you owe me an explanation of your behavior just now. I'm getting somewhat annoyed, you see, and you don't want to get me more annoyed than that by holding back facts.

A: You mean turning up all of a sudden? I was lying low in some tomb, waiting for my boss to stop combing the area when they threw in his cold and disused corpse. It's logical for me to interpret this as an all-clear signal, isn't it? Then it struck me as somewhat fun to put it on and see how people respond.

Self: I don't want to comment on your unexpected entry, Asmodeus. I want to know why you insisted on striking a matrimonial alliance with this Sarah.

A: What's the fuss? I can get married to whomever I like. Anyway it's allowed for us. Now, as for you, there's no need to be a dog in the manger---

Self: I'm not the one who's after Sarah, it's Tobias.

A: Well, he should have said so.

Self: Not when he has just shouted rather heatedly to Raguel that he's not going to marry Sarah even if she was the last person on earth. Needless to say, this makes my divine mission somewhat difficult. I want you to flush the whole thing out of your system this instant, Asmodeus. After all, you owe me a favor. In the Great War, I did save you from some pretty violent cross-fire---

A: Ah, but you did it because you thought I was someone else.

Self: But the fact remains.

A: No, I'm sorry I can't oblige this time, pal. You see, you're not the only one with a divine mission here.

Self:?

A: How should I put it? It all began when I was hanging around these parts looking for something to do, and I chanced to overhear a young girl praying for true love.

Self: And you tried to grant her wish?

A: Naturally I wished to prevent love from happening, being a demon. However after investigation I discovered that my input was not required, as the current system works in a way that people naturally don't know who they're marrying.

Self: And what about it?

A: This sounds too right to me. Our job, as you are well aware of, is to defy any existing institute. I began to wonder whether it would be fun to make love happen just for once.

Self: And you killed all those men on a whim?

A: Then a voice spoke to me out of the air. You know how it was.

Self: You don't mean---

A: Your God, mind you, asked me what I would do to make true love happen to Sarah. I said that if I had the power, I would kill every bally husband she has until the right one comes along. And you God said "Go ahead", or something like that, at any rate.

Self: That doesn't explain your wish to get yourself married to Sarah. He didn't tell you to Go Ahead for that one, did he.

A: I'm getting bored, Raphael, and what with my boss on my track brandishing murder instruments, I don't want to stay here any longer. If anyone has to be loved by Sarah, I think I can fit the bill quite nicely. To sum things up, it's just chemistry, and eye contact, and words. And anyway I'll get a good laugh out of it!

Self: Not me…

A: Nevertheless, I will do you a favor---

Self: You mean you'll help me along with my mission?

A: I don't care a damn about your mission--- it can go to Hell as far as I am concerned. However, I will save YOU from ever getting Sarah's attention. You don't really intend to marry her, do you? Naughty angels who did that all ended up in the toasting Abyss.

Self: What about Tobias?

A: Well I won't let him near Sarah unless she wishes it, and vice versa. And, if I catch you trying to interfere with my getting acquainted with Sarah by you or your friends' unsporting means, I shall kill Tobias. After all he's always a threat.

Self: Thank you! That's a fat lot of help.

A: You're welcome. Goodnight!

* * *

Raphael's quest log (3)

I don't usually sleep when I was on a mission, but doubtlessly it was the intensity of events of the day, or the alcohol, that induced me to get my eight hours repose in order to forget everything that passed. I must have looked pretty incoherent when I woke up to see myself barricaded by two heavy-gear archangels. One was standing in front of my bed while the other was sitting on the window ledge, whispering in hushed voices.

"Ah, good morning, Raphael." Said Archangel Gabriel with a brittle smile people normally equipped to deal with lunatics.

"What are you twittering about?" I demanded.

"Well, we happened to have a bit of spare time---" began Archangel Michael, with a mad little half-smile.

"--- So we suddenly decided---" continued Gabriel.

"--- To visit you---" Said Michael. This was getting infuriating.

"--- and check how you're doing on this mission of yours---"

"Enough!" I snapped. "I didn't ask you to sing a duet. What's the matter?"

"--- Some demon approached Gabriel this morning---"

"--- and said you've gotten yourself, um, engaged to someone---"

"---Absolute rot, of course. We didn't believe a word of it." Finished Michael, lamely.

"Well, unfortunately it's true this time." I drew myself up haughtily. Asmodeus had certainly not been idle.

"Impossible!" Gabriel exploded. "Don't excuse yourself by telling me your eyes met across a crowded room, that sort of thing---"

"Or anything about electricity or magnetism. I hate that the most." Added Michael, giving a shudder as if remembering some horrible incident.

"--- really, a person of your position ought to know better---"

"Any moment now, he'll start screaming that love conquers all. They all do that--- sad, really." Cautioned Michael, sounding like some loony doctor who had come to observe a potential patient.

"You had better come back with us at once. It's for your own good." Cooed Gabriel. What did he think I was, retarded?

"Cut that off, Gabriel, I have no feelings whatsoever for the human concerned." I said with a voice of steel. "I only did it because Asmodeus would have married Sarah otherwise."

"Asmodeus!" Chortled Michael.

"He's the demon who sent me to check on you." Supplied Gabriel.

"Well then we must teach him a lesson he wouldn't forget in a while!" Affirmed Michael.

"Stop!" I sent off a yowl that must have been the most commandeering one I had ever mustered. Instantly the two slavering bloodhounds froze in their tracks. Quick thinking on my part, really. An instant more and Asmodeus would have vaporized the way old Satan did. "Don't move an inch unless you want to be really sorry! In fact, don't even vocalize or say 'What?'. Just nod if you understand, ok?"

They inclined their heads anxiously while staring at me, wide-eyed.

"I am about to tell you something very important now, and until I say 'End', follow the aforementioned instructions. Do you read me?"

They nodded gravely. I recounted the interview I had with Asmodeus the previous day. "So, the short of it is, I've got to get Tobias to best Asmodeus in fair competition for Sarah's eye, in order to get him married to Sarah. End." I concluded.

"What you mean is, he has a mission to let Sarah fall in love?" Demanded Michael, stirring out of still-mode.

"Yes."

"Given by God?"

"Precisely."

"The same God who told you to marry Tobias to Sarah?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"But this is---" Michael tried.

"Good g---" Murmured Gabriel.

"Holy ---" My pals were at a loss for words that didn't constitute blasphemy. They looked absolutely deflated.

"So you see how, that it is critical that you do not accidentally reduce Asmodeus to smoldering carbon?" I reminded.

"Can I run him through with my sword?"

"No."

"Or give him a light kick?"

"No, it would be high treason, I fear." I signed. "Unlike demons we've got to follow God's will. Not a finger should be lifted against Asmodeus while his mission is still incomplete, please."

"How about reasoning with Asmodeus?" Suggested Gabriel.

I stared at my pals. Just last night, I had gone away wondering how Hell managed to communicate with Asmodeus up till now. Did Satan give Asmodeus a candy every time he did things right, or something like that? "Alas, Asmodeus is too ingenious. Things like common sense simply go over his head. You never know what he'd do next." I said. "It was dashed nice of him to send you to send me packing, though." I added sarcastically.

"Well, now that we are here, we'll do our best to help you, of course. Nothing in the world stops three determined archangels---" Said Michael, undaunted.

"--- Barring God's will, of course." Added Gabriel hastily. "What do you propose doing?"

"Well the first thing will be to direct Sarah's amorous attentions to Tobias, who is still at large around the premises." I said. "Any suggestions, folks? I mean, dash it all, how does this love thing happen? Is it a kind of sickness, by any chance?"

"Can't be easier," Said Michael. "Just have the lad kill a few dragons, cleanse a deadly dungeon, or tame some wild beasts, and the girl will be throwing herself into the hero's arms in no time."

"I think taming wild beasts is more on the practical side." I mused.

"I can see it in my mind already, Raphael." Grinned Gabriel. "Suppose you and Tobias are to mount a couple of wild camels---"

"---with the female watching anxiously nearby, of course---" Continued Michael, who must be thinking along the same lines.

"--- and suppose one of them suddenly throws a fit, and drags you along the ground while galloping madly---" Supplied Gabriel.

"--- then Tobias will ride up to the camel concerned, seize it by the mane and leap on its back in a most manly fashion, and all of a sudden, mysteriously reduces the animal to docile servitude---"

"--- which he proceeds to dismount from, receive a shaky thanks from you, and get himself oh-arghed by the female." Finished Gabriel smugly. I stared.

"Good Lord! How did you think of all this?"

"It's just plain experience. I've seen it happen a million times."

"We've watched quite a lot of heroes in action, you know. It's guaranteed to work."

"Bound to work on more than one female, even."

"Right then, proceed with this mad camel scheme." I said.

* * *

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (4)**

**_Sypnosis: In which a camel race yielded Results, and Sarah's amorous advances were thwarted..._  
**

Diary of Tobias (3)

You would have thought that after that scenario in which I publicly defied Raguel and Azarias, I would end up buoyed by a special courage that pretty much encouraged me to face anything else. Well, if you thought so, you were right. When I woke up next morning, I was filled with a deep desire to impress all by sneering at Raguel, if I could find the man. Even with this hot blood bubbling inside me, for some reason I was unable to do the same to Azarias when he came looking for me. I'm quite ashamed to say that the only thing I did was gape dumbly when he informed me of the next suicidal mission.

"Dash it, Tobias, I am quite disappointed with your performance last night."

"There are times, friend, when one just has to speak one's mind. And by the way, congratulations!"

"To Hell with it, you know I'm doing it all for you. She's legally your inheritance, you know."

"You're not going to propose again, surely?"

"No, but I need you to do something else."

I forgot what I said back then, but it was something on the lines of "Well, what could be worse than tackling that Raguel again". It just goes to show that I had rather overrated my relative. There were, in fact, quite a lot of things worse than Raguel. Take wild camels, for example. Azarias had just led me to a pair of them lounging around in the sandy semi-desert area a stone's throw from the house. Sarah and Nathaniel trailed along. That blasted female was regarding her two suitors carefully, as if she would be putting down notes on a scoreboard pretty soon.

Domestic camels were pretty bad. I mean, they spat, bit people when they felt like it, and all that, but let me tell you, they're neutered pussies compared to the two monsters standing some paces before me. These looked as if they could spend the day chewing broken glass and spitting bent nails. They positively bristled, and breathed steam, as if someone had filled their insides with magma. At the sight of them Nathaniel turned ashen and nearly sat on the ground.

"Dear Sarah," Said Azarias to the staring girl. "I hope you are not bothered by this. It's just that my friend Tobias has just told me that he has great prowess in taming animals. Doubtlessly it would provide you with some amusement."

"But---" I stated weakly.

"Tobias is most modest about it, though." My friend added cunningly.

"But they look rather dangerous, don't you think?" Said Sarah sensibly. "I wish you wouldn't go near them."

I couldn't describe the gratitude I felt towards this member of the gentler sex. Before I could voice my opinions, I was drawn aside by Azarias.

"Tobias, you said you would do anything!"

"Yes, but these beasts could eat Samson for a snack!"

"They are completely harmless. Just stare them in the eye and get on--- what could be simpler?"

I looked at one of the animals hurriedly. It was shooting me a disapproving glance, as if I was a hero in the wrong shape.

"I won't try anything of the sort unless you do the same." I said.

"Very well. Watch this!" There wasn't a twitch in the fellow's face that implied joking. He just--- walked up to one and slung himself up as if it was some kind of shrub, if that was the phrase. Sarah stared breathlessly. The animal gave a snort but remained rooted to the spot like a wall. Azarias pulled out a handy coil of rope and loped it around the creature's neck.

The whole thing was definitely anti-climatic.

D'you know, when someone laid down his life to do something stupid for you, the first reaction you'd get was to do the same thing for him. Funny, but true. What I did was, therefore, get on to the other camel, a feat that young King David himself would pass on. Sarah was politely applauding and saying something like "You ought to get down now" when the realization suddenly hit me that I didn't know how to get off a camel. My fear of heights was already sounding the alarm bell.

I would have asked Azarias how the deuce I could hop off the frightful beast. Unfortunately, the animal he was sitting on suddenly snapped out of hypnotism, and leapt like a gazelle on steroids, throwing Azarias off--- but not completely, because they were still connected by a length of rope. Reality seeped back into the previous vacuum in a rush, as Sarah started screaming, and my camel also stirred back to life, and started galloping ahead purposefully after the other camel, which was already kicking up dust in the distance, dragging poor Azarias behind. And let me tell you, his scream was the most mind-shattering racket I had heard in a long while, like some wildcat that was being flayed alive.

Somehow my camel caught up with the confounded animal (and somehow I stayed on with a merely passive effort, or should I say, in a trance) as it swept round to the same spot, frothing. For a moment the two beasts were, miraculously, running side-by-side. Some voice in my mind was telling me that now was a good time to jump on the back of the murderous brute and thus overpower it. But how? I watched the target for some thirty seconds without coming to a conclusion, when I suddenly remembered that Azarias was still being murdered. Panic surged within me. I had reached out to grab the adjacent camel's mane when it suddenly, um, swerved aside, and swerved aside again. It was totally unexpected. I mean, we had been travelling in parallel lines for what, half a minute?

I'm afraid the heroing material that had been spurring me on for the last 15 seconds now lost its sense of direction. I say, I'm no hero, how was I supposed to deal with this--- change in bearings? Thankfully, at the moment a buzz like locust flight sounded, and the camel that was dragging Azarias (who had stopped screaming on account of being unconscious, or better, dead) suddenly reared and emitted a shriek of agony like a fingernail scraping a tin. The camel bearing me skidded to a stunned halt, and when I dared to open my eyes again, I saw that the former animal's leg had been crippled by a bolt, which came from Nathaniel, who, for some reason, was now brandishing a menacing crossbow with a coy look. The injured animal staggered a few steps, and shot Nathaniel such a baleful look that the latter recoiled and dropped the weapon.

Sarah had stopped screaming to catch a deep breath. Now she resumed in an even more piercing soprano. "Azarias!" She screamed, and, disregarding the deranged animal, she ran forward towards my friend's prone body. Probably not much use, I thought dimly. Azarias would have preferred an undertaker.

At this point I was convinced that the two animals were possessed by evil spirits. I was at a state of heightened awareness (or, to put it more simply, I was fainting). You know, that moment when the head throbbed as if hit repeatedly by a blunt hammer, the sun showed up in the wrong color, and all sensation below the neck stopped. It was then when I heard foul, ghostly voices in my head. They were strained, as if yelling:

_"What the… the wretched, miserable little demon shot me!"_

_"Wait a moment, Michael, Raphael said we're not supposed to wring the neck of this wretched, miserable little demon!"_

_"There's no need to remind me, he'll have that plus the interest once everything's over!"_

_"Did you hear that, Asmodeus?"_

_"By the way, what are we supposed to do now?"_

_"I don't think we should continue. You might drag Raphael past repair."_

_"Good point. Time to bail, then."_

This was too much. Somehow I managed to roll off like a sack of flour, groped my way back to the house and hit the tiles like a dead man.

* * *

Raphael's quest log (4)

If in future I had to plan a scheme like that again, I would ensure that a dummy should be used instead of me. As schemes go the one I had just taken part in wasn't perfectly humanitarian, and thankfully after something like 15 seconds, all senses shut down, and I was only aware of a great sense of peace.

That was, until someone brutally shook me awake. "Raphael!" A voice shouted. I opened my eyes, moved my limbs to trigger an orchestra of pain, and instantly a tidal wave of aromatic smell hit me.

"Good Lord!" I cried feebly. I was on my bed, with an unfamiliar female bent over me in a concerned way. However, when I looked into her eyes I recognized her as good old Gabriel in spirit.

"How do you feel?" She asked.

"Absolutely raped. By the way, can you tell me which merchant you bought this perfume from? I would avoid him in the future."

"You don't really feel any pain. You're immortal, remember?"

"Tell that to my body." I groaned again. But Gabriel was right. At a thought, bones fused and flesh mended, and an instant later I was my bright-eyed self again. "What happened?"

"Well, first of all the plan went bust."

"Ah, speaking of that, would you mind telling me why so many swerves were involved? I could distinctly remember the number of turnings you did by counting the no. of my broken ribs."

"I'm tremendously sorry." Said Michael's voice out of thin air.

"Hey," Said Gabriel. "There's got to be swerves. It can't be very heroic if the animal doesn't swerve."

"Indeed." Agreed Michael. "No problem for the average hero, they just give a shout and leap the gap."

"I don't think Tobias is your average hero, Michael." I spoke rather icily to this being who regarded banishing demons as a form of light exercise. "I don't think he's experienced enough to anticipate the swerve. He won't leap the gap even if a plank is placed across it."

"I mean, how can one go about heroing if one isn't expecting the animal to swerve?" Insisted Gabriel. I decided to bring this to a close.

"Enough of that. What happened next?"

"Then things turned ugly pretty quickly. Michael was sniped by Asmodeus, and Tobias stumbled off me vowing to hide if he ever saw a quadruped ever again."

"Certainly a disheartening turn of events." I sighed.

"And, to make matters worse, that Sarah pestilence instantly plastered herself all over you, screaming disgraceful phrases like "Don't you leave me! I love you!", etc."

I gulped. "Good gracious! How did that happen? She never told me!"

"I suppose the sight of you heaped there like a spanked child stirred up all the maternal instincts in women." Said Gabriel. "After we had reached this conclusion, we decided to take action immediately. As you know things happen at a stunning pace down here. Before you could realize what's going on, you would be towed down the aisle by this female to say your marriage vows, while Uriel storms in with his Abyss cronies. Damned silly you'd look by then."

"Correct, safety being the priority." I shot them an appraising look. "And so---"

"I came here, masquerading as the female Valerie, your closest and dearest." Explained Gabriel.

"By claiming that I had some medical expertise and that you couldn't be disturbed--- on account of being on the brink of death, if you may excuse me--- I managed to evict everyone, including Sarah."

"Brilliant! A rival for Sarah, then. What did she say to that?"

"Nothing. She appeared extremely distraught. I last observed her running towards the backyard with her face buried in her hands."

"Unfortunately, I have just observed some complications." Spoke Michael, who seemed to have been absent for a while. "Now that you are no longer--- how should I put it--- available, the blighted female dropped you like hot coals and made a beeline for Asmodeus. I have just observed her crying on Asmodeus's shoulder in the backyard."

"What?"

"I suppose it had something to do with his "heroic" behavior of trying to assassinate me." Said Michael reproachfully. "And by the way, things were a trifle frosty between Sarah and Tobias, no doubt because the former blamed the latter for not doing anything to rescue you."

"Well then I must stop Asmodeus!" I cried.

"Well, you can't" Said Gabriel. "You're at death's door, remember? And I told them you broke an awful lot of stuff such that you would be rendered immobile for at least a week."

"Dash it!"

"I'm sorry." Said Gabriel.

An idea suddenly hit me. "It was a marvelous plan, though. We can pull it off again."

"How?"

"Conjure up another female who claims to be the closest and dearest of Asmodeus." I supplied.

"Well?" Said Michael skeptically. "Why are you all staring at me?"

"I think you're the man, Michael." Said Gabriel candidly. "Or woman, I assume."

"Your mere presence alone will reduce Asmodeus to quaking jelly, such that he cannot raise objections."

"This is appalling!" Cried Michael, shaking like an aspen.

"Look, once this is over, Asmodeus is all yours." I said, and noted with delight that some hope sparkled in the poor blighter's eyes.

"You don't necessarily have to say that you have any affections for Asmodeus." Said Gabriel helpfully. "In fact, you can even warn Sarah that Asmodeus is mentally and morally negligible."

"Fine, fine." Said Michael sulkily. "I'll deal with the swine."

* * *

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (5)**

**_Sypnosis: In which Archangel Michael got smote, and Asmodeus was not impressed..._  
**

Raphael's quest log (5)

After a length of waiting that seemed like eternity (to Gabriel, confined to my room, and me, confined to my bed), there was a quiet knock at the door.

"Raphael?" Whispered Michael.

No, I'm afraid I have totally understated my previous sentence. Let me first put this straight: Michael always spoke in a volume that was nothing less than _fortissimo_. It came with the job, you know. When one was getting totally swamped by demons, it was important to shout loud enough to inform the troops their commander was still not dead. Now there was definitely something that sounded subdued, or pale, about his voice, which was barely as loud as _pp_, if I might add.

We archangels were creatures of tact, so shouting "What's wrong?" and flinging open the door when all signs were pointing the wrong way was understood as a tad bit indecorous. I gave a diplomatic cough and Gabriel said "Well?"

"Can I ask your pardon?" Again, there was this slight tremor in his tone, as if someone had died. It was, if I may remind you, worlds away from same spirited Michael whose yell was apt to sweep through the army like an electric storm.

"For what?"

"Ah--- I'm afraid I'm unable to assist you on this mission any more." Said Michael with another droopy death-gasp. A strangled corpse could have made a livelier attempt. "I have this rather unexpected job in Egypt."

"I totally understand. Let us not detain you any further."

If this had any effect, "enlivening" was the last on the list. "Thanks. Goodbye." Whimpered the unhappy fellow, as if his death had been creeping up on him. When I opened the door a minute later, he was gone.

"Can you believe that, Gabriel?" I said with a hushed whisper. There was a grave sense of tragedy all about the house.

"Was that Michael speaking?" Said Gabriel, equally stunned.

"He sounded--- " I couldn't find a suitable adjective. The situation probably required a new one to be created.

"I wonder what happened?"

"I don't want to know." I shuddered.

"Well, we've got to know where we are in order to plan the next strategic move." Said Gabriel sensibly.

"Well what the deuce should we do?"

"There's only one way---" She began.

"--- You don't mean---"

"---Yes, we must travel back to the past."

"But that's not allowed!"

"Not when we are driven by necessity." Gabriel said firmly. "We're on a mission, after all. It's quite all right as long as we don't alter anything in the past, like tread on an ant accidentally, that sort of thing."

"But---"

"Our other option is by overtaking Michael and questioning him."

"I see what you mean, it's rather harsh to interrogate a chap who sounded as if he's looking for a handy bridge to jump off of next."

"Then we are agreed?"

"Well, all right then." I conceded. "Back to past tense."

* * *

Raphael's quest log--- Ten minutes ago, give or take a few seconds

Let me start off with this: time and space were nothing to us. Humans seemed to keep a good count of both, crawling in the web of space-time like a spider, but for us we could land bang on the right spot like a raindrop. However, the same fact that we weren't bothered by time also made accurate time travelling difficult. None of us had any idea how long had passed since Michael left us.

"Half an hour." I hazarded.

"More like half a day." Said Gabriel.

"If I recall correctly, it was a dozen heartbeats or so." I tried again.

"Let's go back a little and see what happens." Suggested my comrade.

First we abandoned our physical bodies (and stacked a few chairs in front of the door, in case someone buried us by mistake) and slipped some distance out of the house, where there was a handy stick in the sand that served as a primitive sundial. Then we stared at the shadow until it backpedaled a couple degrees. No sparks, suction noises or colored lights were involved, but we were, in effect, about ten minutes back in history.

At the scene of crime (aka the backyard), it did not take long for us to discover that we had arrived at the spot a bit too early. That's not to say that things were still perfectly all right. The picture that greeted our eyes (hidden behind a hedge) was pure Sodom and Gomorrah: to speak in words that I could bear being uttered, Sarah and Asmodeus were sitting cross-legged on the grass, the former peeling grapes and feeding them to the latter. To cut things short, it was nothing short of horrendous. I must confess that for a long time afterwards, I wasn't able to set my eyes on a bunch of grapes without seeing an aura of evil around it. Such a sight, no doubt, would rattle Michael considerably once she arrived.

The conversation was ten times worse. We gaped like grounded fish while our supernatural hearing had a painfully easy time picking up the details:

"Dearest," Sarah was looking at the demon with wide, glowing eyes. "Are the grapes all right?"

"Hellishly superb!" Said Asmodeus with a big, mad smile. "By the way, are you sure you have no feelings whatsoever for Azarias?"

"How can you say that?" Rebuked Sarah gently with a voice filled with adoration. "Ever since you selflessly saved your rival, I knew you were the only one in the world I'll give my heart to. Don't you love me, Nathaniel?"

Asmodeus sighed. "I want to love you, Sarah, but I'm afraid that if you knew me, you would be afraid---"

A bad move. I could see now that this sort of information really excited females terribly. "I will love you," She said firmly. "Even if you were really an undead, as father said---"

"--- I'm not an undead." Asmodeus shook his head thoughtfully. "But---"

Sarah cut him short with a grape. "I love you, you are to forget about everything in the past." She ordered.

"But I'm bad---" Gasped Asmodeus.

"I can make you change your ways."

"--- And stupid, as everyone I know tells me---"

"So am I. Do you love me?"

The demon was moved. If this was Hell, he would have been passing wedding invitations to the condemned spirits already. " You see, I am---"

"Don't say a word!" Hushed Sarah. We watched in dumb horror as the shameless female leaned forward with closed eyes and puckered lips that would, if calculations were correct, meet Asmodeus's with a smack. Fortunately the deed never came to pass. A louder smack rang through the enclosure as Asmodeus was hit on the side of his head, and the demon slumped sideways on the ground, still wearing a blissful expression on his face.

Salvation arrived in the form of Michael in appropriate feminine proportions, wielding a bench. She was staring at Sarah with barely concealed distaste, doubtlessly having overheard the latter part of their conversation. Females were rummy things: one moment Sarah looked as if she was about to scream--- with a high-ish decibel that sends a fellow into shock--- but after having studied her lover's assailant rudimentarily, she stiffened, and spoke with an indignant voice bearing a trace of her father's hauteur:

"What's the meaning of this?"

"Stand back, madam!" Cried Michael vehemently. "I can see hope for you still: don't be tempted by this fiend!"

The above remark seemed to have little effect on Sarah. All she did was stiffen some more. I've seen corpses that were softer. "Who are you?"

At that moment, I almost slapped myself for the oversight. You see, Michael had never seen the point of distinguishing male names from female ones. After all, she had always maintained that these things should become interchangeable after a millenium or so. Indeed, the question rather stumped her for a while. I suppose the Pharoah of Egypt would have looked like this when the Red Sea closed over his army.

"My name---" She said with a death-chortle. "---is---"

"Well?" Snapped Sarah. Pressure was already pumping up in the old girl.

"--- Eve." Said Michael, now with some assurance. Gabriel and me heaved a collective sigh.

Sarah didn't seem to be aware of this. She was already unfolding like a giant manta. "And may I ask," She said curtly. "What you are doing in my backyard, using my bench to knock out my fiancé?"

Michael wisely put down the bench and reverted to her business tone. "This horrible man," She began, with an almost warm tone that we were proud of to hear. "Happens to be my fiancé---"

"I see." Said Sarah, with an ice-minus tone. "And do you hit him all the time?"

"I suppose so. Serves him right---"

"And say that he is bad and stupid, no doubt?" Continued Sarah. Her voice was literally filled with blades now. Chilled blades.

"No one would question my judgement."

"I have reason to believe that you are responsible for his inferiority complex." Accused Sarah.

"Inferiority what?"

"Anyway, you don't love him."

"I must confess your deduction is correct."

Sarah's upper storeys were heaving in a way that suggested an impending eruption. "I won't let you take him. You don't love him--- you torture him and stamp his dignity in the dust, whereas I love him and will worship him like a husband! Yes, I love him, I love him madly!"

It was Michael's turn to get angry now. She had met demons who were less obstinate. If any part of her could grind, she was grinding it." He is not at all desirable, if you will hear---"

"Get out." Said Sarah in a low, dangerous tone that swept through the air like a slow scythe.

"Listen, madam---" Michael tried again.

Mortal eyes wouldn't have caught it, but we observed in silent fascination as Sarah's hand went round in a graceful geometric arc and struck Michael across the face. There was a brief, metallic ring, and Michael staggered back three steps, like someone who had just collided with a wall. All speech was wiped from the doomed fellow's lips now. She was just standing there and clutching her face, staring at Sarah with the disbelieving eyes of an abused child.

"Get out!" Screamed Sarah, oblivious to the fact that she had just hit someone who could send demons scurrying like walloped dogs. "And never let me see you again, you evil, mean woman. Yes--- get out or I shall scream and send my men to remove you!"

Although Michael had never been disturbed by screams, recent incidents must have taken a heavy toll on her nerves, that she was simply unable to deal with this yowl. She obediently blew out of the backyard gate like a broken leaf in a gale, and that was the last I saw of her in this mission.

As soon as she was gone, Sarah checked the unconscious Asmodeus hurriedly to see if he had detected the rabble, and shook him gently like a tigress returning to her cubs. "Wake up, my love, wake up!"

Asmodeus stirred and groaned. "Damnation--- did I get hit by a thunderbolt?"

"I'll tell you later, poor thing! --- Can you stand? You must lie down on my bed…"

Once the winner had left the arena with her prize, we opened the evaluation session with a grave air.

"This is monstrous, Raphael!" Said Gabriel grimly.

"Did you see that? Michael positively fled!" I said this in a whisper. Such things, if overheard in Heaven, would certainly cause unprecedented panic. It's akin to saying Heaven's foundations were quivering.

"No wrath like a woman, eh?"

"Do you think Michael is all right?"

"Probably just shocked, considering he had never been slapped in his life."

"Nor called a evil mean woman, I must add."

"Great." Said Gabriel despondently. "Just the sort of wife the doctor would have ordered for Asmodeus."

"Now, back to the mission---"

"What mission?" Stared Gabriel. "Your mission is finished! Done for!"

I shot him a pained look. "I have a new plan---"

"Excellent." Laughed my colleague mirthlessly.

"--- based on the observed psychology of Sarah---"

"That she's a bitch who brushed Michael off the mat in single combat?"

"I'll explain later. Let's get back first."

* * *

Raphael's quest log (6)

The sundial was far from accurate, but somehow, when we returned to my room in the present, we were perfectly on time. Asmodeus was already beating the door down vigorously and yelling names that I would not contemplate recording.

"Raphael!" He yammered. (This was one I wouldn't mind repeating)"Wake up, you lazy pig, I need to talk to you!"

"Will you tune down a little?" I said. "It's hard to pretend to be nearly dead with all this racket going on."

"I suppose you still recall," He said breathlessly. "That you are not to stop me hobnobbing with Sarah by unsporting means?"

"Yes."

"And so you understand that I shall flay Tobias alive and polish his brain case as a soap-dish for my fiancée if you dare unleash Michael, or Eve, upon me again?"

"Wait a moment, that's hardly unsporting!" Protested Gabriel. "The reason we refrain from whipping up your face like an omelet is that we confine ourselves to purely tactical means. Besides, have you ever had the fortune to see Michael as a man or woman?"

"I'm glad I haven't." Said the demon gruffly. He appeared to thinking it over. "Very well, but I want you to stop that mad woman from infesting the premises at once. My head isn't made of marble, you know."

"You've got it." I said spiritlessly.

"Valerie is a good girl though, she may stay." Chuckled Asmodeus.

After the demon left us, Gabriel turned to me again. "So, you have a plan to handle this Sarah menace?"

"Yes."

"One that grabs her by the horns this time?"

"Indeed."

"And does not, by any chance, involve clubbing Asmodeus to a pulp?"

"That's out of the question."

"Well then let me hear it. I'd be impressed by two out of three." She said with a wave of resignation.

* * *

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (6)**

**_Sypnosis: In which Archangel Gabriel confided a Secret, and Tobias rose to the occasion..._  
**

Raphael's quest log (6)--- Cont'd

"The key," I began. "Is Sarah's sympathetic nature."

"Sorry?" Inquired Gabriel with a look of disbelieve.

"What I meant was, we were supposed to put Asmodeus in a bad light. Instead, things passed in a way such that he was, rather, victimized. Logically Sarah swelled up before Michael like a mongoose confronting the cobra."

Gabriel grimaced in a way that suggested "mongoose" was an overly modest term for the female concerned. "Well then what is your plan?"

"We need another member of the gentler sex--- one of those teary-eyed, soft-voiced, mild-mannered specimens that looks as victimized as a victim could be. It doesn't matter what felony she accuses Asmodeus of--- Sarah will of course rally around the weaker party."

"Well then I have only one question--- where on earth are we going to find someone like this, considering that our success hangs on a thread and we naturally aren't going to entrust this to some blundering underling?"

"I am hoping that you will oblige me with Valerie's services again, Gabriel. It is generally known around the place that you are the very soul of respectability."

"Your reasoning is sound, pal--- but I must remind you that I am also known around the place as your closest and dearest."

"Just say you are my sister, then. It won't be too far from the description."

"I hope you haven't overlooked this--- that Sarah, once robbed of her current prey, will doubtlessly loose herself upon her old target with redoubled ferocity. Who will shield you from her, then?"

"Ah, I suppose that is out of the question. You see, I'm not supposed to be bothered for a week."

"But, if she insists on breaching your defenses---"

"--- yes, if the inevitable should come to pass, I'll just have to die. Thankfully things haven't progressed to the point where I find it impossible to leave her."

"Well, with that point settled, let's get back to the main issue--- I am to approach Sarah, persuade her to leave Asmodeus, and hope history doesn't repeat itself?"

"No, a direct assault is obviously out of the deal. We shall infiltrate by stealth, or, to put things more simply, rumor. People are funny things, you know. They won't believe you if you told them you were a messenger from God, but add a couple of people affirming the fact, and overnight they'd be begging you to admit you're one."

"Brilliant!" Yelped Gabriel, hope dawning in her eyes once more. "We do live and learn, don't we?"

I bowed my head modestly. "Well, it all depends on you now, old friend. Scatter rumors around until Sarah is breathing it by the lungfuls, and in no time at all she'll be ticking Asmodeus out of the list of her intended husbands."

Overnight our divine judgment had selected a suitable candidate to be the spearhead of our campaign--- the housemaid Anna, known as the most inquisitive creature and sprinkler of gossip around the house. I followed Gabriel to the courtyard (leaving my physical body behind, of course. If someone buried me, then that's too bad. I suppose I was expendable anyway), informed her when Anna was approaching from a distance, and prayed for Gabriel's drama skills to save the day.

I had complete faith in Gabriel, but even so I was astounded by her performance--- it pushed her past eloquence completely into the shade. The Prince of Lies himself would have handed over the laurel crown, no offence meant. When the target housemaid went past with the washing, she naturally stopped by Gabriel, who was bawling quite liberally in the way people did when they stood on the edge of buildings.

"Madam!" Anna cried in a way that expressed some genuine concern, and sat down on the bench next to Gabriel. "What is bothering you? Can I help you in any way?"

"Nothing at all, dear Anna," sniffed Gabriel, dripping a tear or two. "Please leave me alone."

"I may be a mere servant, madam," Said the maid stoutly. "But I'm sure I can share your troubles. Just tell me all, dear."

"Call me Valerie." Smiled Gabriel wanly. "Really, you are most kind, Anna. Are you sure this will not get in the way of your duties?"

Anna's mouth opened excitedly. I rolled my eyes slightly. It was like asking a dog whether a bone would get in its way. "Don't mention that, dear Valerie! My attention is all yours."

"My loved one, the one I have given my heart to since childhood, has abandoned me, Anna," Said Gabriel with an empty whisper. "Whenever I set my eyes upon him, it's as if the world had gone dark and dreary, and there's nothing in the whole wide world for me to live for."

Anna made a sucking noise, as if she had just activated the switch for vacuuming information. "But certainly, Azarias---"

"What with Azarias?" Gabriel gave a brave little laugh. "He's my brother."

"Oh!" Gasped Anna, collaring the news rapidly. "Oh, I mean, of course! Then who is the man who did this terrible deed to you?"

"Does it matter?" Said Gabriel, shaking her head morosely.

"You ought to take steps, Valerie! Who is he?" Asked Anna, her eyes glittering.

"Promise me that you'll keep this secret, Anna."

"I won't tell a living soul, Valerie!" Said Anna exuberantly. ("But you'll tell a hundred living souls, I suppose." I added sarcastically)

"I know I can trust you." Smiled Gabriel happily.

"Who is he, then?" Urged Anna, her ears quivering like a hound on the scent.

Gabriel sneaked a look around around, and said in a whisper of despair. "He is Nathaniel, the one who is betrothed to your mistress."

Then she burst into tears again. Anna's eyes were shining with the light of pure surprise, or delight--- It's hard to tell. She took a deep breath. "But--- that's terrible!"

"What can I do, pray?" Sobbed Gabriel. "His face didn't even betray a trace of recognition when we met."

"It's utterly tragic!" Agreed Anna. "I don't want to cause you pain, but why did he leave you?"

"It--- it was something he did." Gabriel managed. "I said I would never forgive him, and he ran away. Oh, would that I had died instead!"

"Good Lord, what could it be?" Cried the housemaid, lapping up gossip material greedily. However, she met Gabriel's silencing stare. Doubtlessly the angel thought that whatever heinous crime Asmodeus was capable of, it was best left to imagination.

"I--- I don't want to talk about it." Murmured Gabriel, rising. "I'm afraid I have been boring you with these cheerless feelings of mine. I, too, must see to my brother now."

"May God have pity on you, madam!" Said Anna vehemently, as she picked up her washing. "This is terrible, terrible!"

Gabriel gave a sadistic half smile that seemed to suggest God's pity had better be reserved for Asmodeus, and turned back to her room. Things were certainly looking up. Anna had already pounced upon a manservant, buzzing hard. In no time at all Sarah would be bearing down upon Asmodeus with the hatchet.

* * *

Tobias's diary (4)

A day had already passed since the horrible incident with the c. creatures, but my mind was still in a total flunk, such that I was in no shape to go anywhere. That didn't matter, anyway, as my guide--- or what's left of him--- was unable to take me to Gabael's house to pick up that accursed sum of money. I just spent my days wandering aimlessly, turning up for dinners when people seemed to be drifting towards that direction. Some feeling kept nagging me--- some voice kept urging me to prove my worth to the world. But how? I could hardly imagine. Many regarded me as a total failure. Sarah, for instance. Nothing I do could change her opinion of me as a spineless good-for-nothing. Not that I am concerned about her opinions specially, though.

Speaking of the woman, I could somehow hear her voice filtering in through my mental haze, as I walked nonchalantly towards the backyard. Was it an illusion? I paused in my tracks, assembled my ravaged auditory nerves, and heard some sort of a heated conversation between her and Nathaniel:

"Nathaniel, why didn't you tell me you are acquainted with her?" Accused my female relative.

"With whom?"

"Valerie, of course!"

"What about that woman? She's attached to Azarias isn't she?"

"Don't make things difficult. You know Valerie is Azarias's sister."

"Oh!" Whimpered Nathaniel, sounding like a stung beast.

Sarah's voice drooped a bit. "So will you tell me the truth now?"

"W-e-l-l, I know her, sort of." Said Nathaniel cautiously.

"She still loves you terribly. Everyone's talking about it." Sighed Sarah.

"Good grief!"

"I am most sorry for her. It pains me to see her so sad, and I am not doing anything about it."

"But---"

"Perhaps you can--- go back to her?"

"How can you say that, Sarah dear?" Shrieked Nathaniel with barely concealed rage. "Don't you love me?"

"I do, dear---"

"How can you suggest such a thing to the man you love? We are engaged!"

"Yes, I suppose you're right---" Sarah sighed.

Mind you, the above conversation meant nothing to me, as I was more or less concentrating on drifting towards open space with a sort of Brownian motion. And, as I wasn't one of those people who indulged in gossip and whatnot, the words were erased from my memory as soon as they were absorbed. At that moment I must have wafted into view, as Sarah's reply was cut short. Before I knew what was happening, Nathaniel had clutched my hands in the most energetic fashion. I felt like I had stepped into a wrestling match by mistake.

"Hello, Tobias!" He yelled. "You look a little pale! Would you like to sit down with us?"

"If you don't mind." I laughed nervously.

"You look like something that has just crashed in Hell, Tobias." Nathaniel observed carefully. "Honestly, you need a woman to look after you."

"Look, the odds of me striking up a favorable matrimonial alliance aren't that high---" I began.

"You ought to get married, Tobias---" Said Nathaniel. He had barely finished the dreaded sentence because I had, with lightening reflexes, went from a sitting start to graceful flight in less than half a second. The dramatic effect was slightly hampered by the fact that he had clutched me by the end of my cloak.

"Let go of me!" I howled. "Don't even talk to me about marrying, unless you want to suffer Azarias's fate!"

"Listen to me first, Tobias," Said the man calmly. "Here's a chance for your kindness and gentleness to truly shine."

"Oh?" I stopped making running motions temporarily. "Does it involve anything dangerous?"

"Don't be absurd!" Snapped Nathaniel. "What gave you that idea?"

"Experience, so far--- what does marrying have to do with my kindness and gentleness?"

"It's about Valerie." Nathaniel threw Sarah a glance. "We are most worried about her."

That did the trick--- I was instantly concerned. "Is it anything to do with Azarias?"

"Valerie is Azarias's sister." Explained Sarah.

"Exactly." Said Nathaniel. "Now, the lady whom we are speaking about is in a most distressed state of mind. She has been moping about the place, looking sad and depressed. We fear that her brother has been mortally wounded, and the poor lady will be left all alone in the world. Isn't that tragic?"

"I am most sorry for her." I agreed heavy-heartedly. "I suppose I'm partly responsible for what happened."

"Nonsense! Anyone can see that the accident was an Act of God." Exclaimed Nathaniel. "On the other hand, you are the only person who can restore happiness and peace to this house."

"Me?"

Sarah ventured plaintively. "Perhaps you can… cheer her up?"

"I think it would be a very good idea for you to marry her." Suggested Nathaniel. "She would hardly refuse. Yours would be an act of pure charity."

This was the magic word. As long as the work had anything to do with charity, Tobias's family charged like the light brigade through fire and water. Confidence seeped back into my lifeless shell, suffusing me with a warm glow. "I'll do it!" I stood up tall and proud once more.

"Of course, she's a very desirable lady, and beautiful, too…" Added Nathaniel hastily.

"We can never thank you enough, Tobias." Whispered Sarah with tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. Of her previous hauteur there was naught a trace. "I think you two will make a perfect match."

* * *

Tobias's diary (5)

Although Nathaniel's parting words didn't mean much to me at that time, I being a-quivered with action, the more I thought about it, the more it struck me to the core. As I watched Valerie walking around like a drooping lily, the more I was aware of how charming she was. I wish I had a copy of _The Book of Solomon _with me. If so, I could whip out phrases like "Her hair was like a flock of ---, her neck was as the tower of ---, as --- as the vineyard of ---". But since I hadn't the foresight, I could only say that the sight of her beautiful face looking so down and lost stuck pins in my body, such that whenever she shot me a look, I jerked up three feet like a soldier summoned by a trumpet-call. And her look--- it was filled with such a sympathetic light, as if she thought someone ought to take care of me! Before I knew it, I was head over heels in love.

I had a goodly no. of drinks after dinner, such that I was literally exhaling steam and could confidently snub my nose at any number of rampaging camels. Then I confronted her, sitting on the steps leading to the backyard, perched like a broken-hearted dove.

"Hello." I whispered gently in case she suddenly fluttered away, and was a trifle disappointed by my voice. Although I had trained for hours in front of the mirror, instead of the magnetism I had expected it was hopelessly bland.

"Hello, Tobias." Her voice seemed rather encouraging. It fell on my ears like the soft rains from Heaven.

"Um--- how is your brother?" I asked with genuine warmth.

"Well, he is not to be disturbed." She sighed. It went through my heart like a stake. I gave a wobble and composed myself again.

"I wish I could help you."

"That is very kind of you, but no thank you."

"I can help you, Valerie." I took a deep breath. "I want to marry you."

Her eyes turned to me mechanically, like someone in a trance. They were wild and terrified, like some caged gazelle. I clutched her hands tightly. "I mean it, Valerie! I love no one in the world as deeply as you, will you become my wife?"

There was absolute silence apart from Valerie's sharp intake of breath, then she shot off a piercing scream, shook off my hands, and bolted.

I was left sitting there like a stature, overwhelmed with a bittersweet mixture of happiness and sadness. When I finally collected my wits again, I slapped myself hard on the face.

"Tobias, you fool!" I rebuked myself severely. That was a bit tactless of me I suppose. How was one supposed to go around courting females? It would be a good idea to go ask Nathaniel for some tips, whether this reaction was a good sign, and so on. Nevertheless, I was sure of one thing:

I shall persevere!

* * *

To be continued…


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit (****7****)**

_**Sypnosis: In which Archangel Gabriel expressed her thoughts on half of the human race, and Archangel Raphael tried to reason…**_

Raphael's quest log (7)

"I say, Raphael, this is infernal!" Stormed my colleague, gnashing her teeth like someone who is, in fact, in Inferno.

"Wait a moment, old friend, are you sure he is serious?" I asked grimly.

"Did I tell you that Sarah is bad? Well, I take it back now. Tobias ought to be kept behind bars!" She glowered.

"Surely, after your--- apparent--- refusal last night, Tobias should have come to his senses and put a stop to this mad campaign of his?" I reasoned mildly. Not that I had a soft spot for Tobias, of course, but since God asked me to take care of that idiot, I couldn't let him go around offending archangels.

"Then listen! The first thing I saw this morning, was a wad of poetry-polluted paper stuffed under my door---"

"That was quite imaginative of him. Was it good poetry?"

"Utter crap!" Growled Gabriel, casting me a withering look. "Some complete rubbish about my breasts looking like a flock of bouncing gazelles, and so on."

"Well, you ought to ask him to forget about that nonsense the moment you saw him."

Gabriel proceeded sourly. "That was on my agenda when I stepped out, and found him posted outside with a heavy stick in tow. Somehow words just failed me at the point."

"What on earth was he doing?"

"Said he was warding off any unpleasant strangers who might chance to disturb my sleep." Continued Gabriel with rising fury. "Then he haunted me like a shadow, with that annoying wistful look on his face---"

"God, no…" I moaned.

"--- And I have no doubt that, if I had to step on a puddle, he would cast himself down as a plank. Anyway, worst of all was, whenever I tried to get in touch with Sarah to find out what she had been feeding Tobias to induce this behavior, she deliberately left us alone!"

"You know, these humans get funny ideas when they see you trailed by a worshipper. They tend to clear out and put the lights down---"

"And she smirked, too! And winked at Tobias, I noted. This has got to stop, Raphael! Damned silly I looked, running around the whole morning to dodge that sex-maniac! Have you ever seen me run away from a demon, Raphael?"

"That's a totally different matter--- demons are not so… well, _intense_."

"And I only managed to snatch a moment's respite by barricading myself in with you! A curse on all men and their fatheaded intentions! ---"

Fortunately for half of the human race, Gabriel's bout of cursing (which could be quite potent--- we were archangels after all) was interrupted by a knock on the door. Gabriel gave a strangled yelp, and ducked under the bed faster than a scalded cat. On such occasions, I supposed even a half-dead brother would have take the bullet for his beloved sister. Behold Raphael's bold attempt at turning down aggressive suitors:

"Who is it?" I snapped, with a definite hint of gunpowder in my voice.

Tobias's voice rang in. "Oh, I'm tremendously sorry, Azarias!" He said apologetically. "I'm looking for Valerie." There's something glum in his voice, though, as if he had just seen part of the Revelation.

"Valerie's not here. Now will you please leave me alone?"

"Wait a moment, if you see Valerie, will you give her a message?" Said the relentless fellow.

"All right! I'll tell her, even if they had to be my last words." I conceded.

"Thank you." Said Tobias, his voice faltering a little. "Please tell her that Anna has told me all."

"Is that all?"

"I--- I understand her feelings, but I will never give up." Said Tobias with a faint choking sound. "Yes, please tell her that. Tell her I'll wait an eternity. Goodbye!"

After this human plague had passed, Gabriel crawled out of quarantine like a wilted flower. "Did you see what I meant, Raphael? This man is unstoppable!"

"I see what you mean, Gabriel. He is beyond all help!" I whispered fearfully.

"Well, I don't care about him. We've got to do something before I'm beyond help! It seems," She proceeded with a tormented tone. "That his will to persist is greater than my will to resist."

"It's not your fault, Gabriel." I tried to cheer up the wretched fellow. "It's natural selection for mortals. They're bred like that."

"The man is self-possessed, Raphael. Nothing I do seems to thwart him---"

"How about if you reveal your true identity---" I hazarded.

Gabriel gave another groan. "Are you out of your mind? That would only egg him on! Sooner or later he's bound to come up with some deadly cliché, like 'I don't care what you are, but I still love you all the same', etc. That would be catastrophic! I can sense the Abyss rolling out red carpet for my imminent arrival."

"Thank you for reminding me! Yes, nothing can fool you of course--- but certainly his pitiful attempts aren't going to perturb you in the least? Your heart doesn't beat faster when you see him, for instance?" I almost pleaded.

"How could I tell?" Whined Gabriel. "I was running all the time, what with him prowling behind like a tomcat on heat!"

"Well, frankly I think you're still as cool and staunch as the Ice Age---" I tried to comfort her. "---I think I have another plan---"

"Terrific!" Said Gabriel with a visible shudder. "So have I!"

"Excellent! Never say die, eh?"

"Well!" She snapped. "I don't want to stick around until my heart beats two hundred above the norm, so I'm planning to bail---"

"But, dear chap---"

"--- Besides, I have some business up North." She continued. "I'm terribly sorry to leave you, but duty calls."

"But, how the deuce am I going to explain your sudden disappearance?" I reasoned.

"Just say I have been snatched away by some wild animal, beyond all hope of rescue--- well, so long! By the way, I have a plan for you too."

"What is it?" I spoke with a spark of hope.

"Hang yourself and forget all about the matter, haha!"

"When all else fails!" I said as she de-materialized, leaving only a wisp of perfume behind.

* * *

To be continued…


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (8)**

_Sypnosis: In which Archangel Raphael got smashed, and Tobias exchanged notes with his nemesis…_

Raphael's quest log (8)

The situation was, at first, rather disheartening. Four days after my arrival at this place, Tobias and Sarah had already made themselves some lifelong (or should I say afterlifelong) enemies, and my staunch crew had more or less deserted the field. But, as I weighed up the events that passed, some silver lining could be detected behind the hurricane. True, Asmodeus was still going to marry Sarah tonight (having convinced Raguel that he was firmly established in the land of the living). But at the least, I had succeeded in making Tobias and Sarah fall in love (albeit not with each other, but at any rate they had proved themselves capable of the emotion). Things were in fact quite promising--- skipping over the details, there WAS progress being made. So, instead of drooping like the last rose of summer, I felt ready to return to the now-cleared stage and shout "let there be light!"

What really happened was a bit more complicated, though. First, I donned my battlegear--- or rather, a splint. With all these big things going on, there's no time for a fellow to be dead. After checking to see that the area outside my door was Tobias-free, I ventured outside boldly and ran into the person himself shortly.

"Azarias!" He exclaimed, shaking my hand warmly in the appropriate fashion of one greeting his future brother-in-law. "I thought you wouldn't be about for another few days!"

"I think my sister has rather exaggerated my condition, Tobias." I said coldly. "I must confess I've never felt better. That is, except for my elbow, of course."

"By the way, have you seen Valerie?" Inquired Tobias hopefully.

"I think she has retired to her room due to a headache. She has expressed her wish that you do not position yourself outside her door this time. It's highly intrusive, you know."

"Oh, certainly! I'll stay a mile from the place." Swore the old hound most devoutly.

Then I honored the kitchen with my visit. You know what it's like--- the hub of gossip. Within seconds scores of servants came to have their fill of the day's juiciest. I decided to give them my best.

"Master Azarias!" Prompted one of them. "We all thought you were done for!"

"I wish that was the case," I answered with a dejected wave. "But getting my loved one whisked away while I was lying helpless makes death a good deal less frightening in comparison. Is there anything here that can shake off my awful despair?"

Someone understandingly handed me a beverage, which was more or less what I had in mind. "Look," I said kindly. "I don't want to acquire a festive spirit. I merely want to drown my sorrows, so please get me something more quantitatively satisfying. A cellar would be appropriate."

After that, they smartened up and brought me a barrel of the stiffest. I then proceeded to construct a cocktail pyramid (a highly elegant design made of 120 cups that you could fill up all at a time by pouring on the topmost cup. Needless to say, it resembled a pyramid). About 15 minutes into the activity, the entire kitchen had, on cue, fled, leaving me to my lunacy. Then came the most taxing part--- I brought myself to drink the entire pyramid. Of course it was easier said than done. At approximately cup #4, I was, like most people would be in the same circumstances, drunk.

Unfortunately unlike most people, my body hadn't undergone millennia of senseless natural selection for alcoholic tolerance. The effect was most dramatic: my head was swimming, if not hitting the bedrock with a smack. Someone seemed to be practicing slash-and-burn in my interior regions, and my pulse was warning me to set my final affairs in order before it's too late. It was with a grand effort that I managed not to grip holes in the table. And, who should walk in at the moment but Asmodeus, here to gloat over his fallen adversary, I presume.

"Whoa, Raphael," He smirked, surveying the dismal landscape. "You'll want to go easy on that stuff."

"That's none of your business." I murmured.

"Where's Gabriel? Threw herself in a vat, I suppose?"

"She had work elsewhere."

"Probably found my pet Tobias a trifle too overwhelming." Said Asmodeus gaily. "May Heaven help those who dare to pit their feeble cunning against my mighty wit! When are you leaving? Oh pardon me--- I guess you'll stay put until the wine runs out, yes?"

"Enough of that bragging," I managed to gasp. "Even angels have to let down their hair from time to time. Anyway, I acknowledge your victory."

"Oh, thank you very much for your assistance, Raphael. I've had a most wonderful time getting engaged. Imagine me getting married! It sounds so tremendously exciting. I do look forward to seeing how it will be like. By the way please thank your god on my behalf, too."

"No problem!" I said gallantly, having managed to grab my cup at the third go. "Let me drink to your marital bliss."

"Really, Raphael!" Said Asmodeus with feeling, as he picked a cup off the pyramid and took a sip. "You're quite a sport---"

As I had expected, he hit the ground quite obediently. By the time I had crawled to his side, he was snoozing happily with ungodly dreams. You could put your money on demonic overconfidence: they would pick up any questionable drink with nary a doubt. I didn't feel bad about exploiting this. Anyway, if they wanted a sporting person, they should have hooked up with a sportsman, not me, the master of pharmaceuticals.

It was only the work of a moment for me to flush the toxins out of my system, transport Asmodeus to his room and tuck him into bed. With this annoying pill removed, Tobias, Sarah and Raguel shall fall as corn before the sickle. Now, time to tackle Tobias…

* * *

Diary of Tobias (6)

I was searching for Nathaniel, hoping he would enlighten me with ways to apologize to Valerie. Doubtlessly he could come up with something zippy like climbing up to her balcony, and so on, although this tactic was inconvenienced by the fact that rooms here don't have balconies. What should I do about it? That brilliant man would know, but where the deuce was he?

Cold, clammy fingers suddenly closed around my arm, and I turned to behold Azarias. He was in a frightful state, shaking like one who's about to tie himself into knots. "Tobias!" he whispered. "This is terrible! I've just seen a lion run out of this backyard gate with a woman in its jaws! It---"

Only one thought went into my head at the time. I broke free and shot off to Valerie's room. My worst fears were confirmed--- the door was ajar and its occupant missing. I headed to the backyard at once, and found Azarias waiting there anxiously.

"I can't find Valerie." I moaned hollowly, not being able to mention the unthinkable. "Tell me where it's headed, will you?"

"Tobias, please save my sister!" Begged Azarias frantically. "There are some footprints in the sand. If you go now you should still be able to follow them."

That was all the information I needed. I paused to procure a sizable stick from the ground, and took off like a hurricane.

* * *

Diary of Tobias (7)

Running into the rocky wastes at night with only a layer of clothing and a stick to separate me from the raw elements would sound like the most absurd thing in the world, but, as the paw prints were still clear and no trace of blood was visible, I ran a mile without a fatigued muscle. In fact, I became even more hopeful as I went. Surely, I reasoned, all right-thinking animals ought to know how to store food. There's no reason for it to finish Valerie there and then, leaving nothing for a rainy day. And by Jehovah, that lion was not going to see its next rainy day. I had already set my heart on wracking the living daylights out of the thing that had dared to touch my sweetheart.

For some reason, now the distance between the prints was getting shorter--- I hoped frantically that it wasn't getting hungry. Fortunately, they lead into a sort of crevice between some rocks. In my haste, I had forgotten to bring anything to light a fire, but I went in anyway. In any case the lion wouldn't see a damn thing in that darkness, would it?

"VALERIE!" I shrieked, while keeping my stick poised for any approaching beasts.

"Tobias?" I gulped to swallow my heart again, but the voice was all wrong. I ran in a few steps and felt my shoe brush against the edge of a blanket. Someone clutched my foot.

"Tobias!" It was Sarah's voice. "Where am I?"

"What happened?" I knelt down and said sharply. "Where's Valerie?"

"I don't know!" Whimpered Sarah. "One moment, I was in bed waiting for Nathaniel, and the next I was here! I had no idea what went on! Don't leave me!"

"Wait a moment, I be back soon. " I comforted. However, after having searched through the whole cave from wall to wall, no trace of Valerie nor the beast was seen. I was stupefied. "Were you carried out here by a lion?" I resumed in a kinder tone.

"I have no idea." She admitted. "Something gripped me. It went tremendously fast, like the wind. I never saw it."

"Oh, I see!"

"Were you looking for Valerie?"

"Never mind." I said with relief. "Let's go back now."

"Can we stay here? It's the middle of the night--- we'll freeze to death!" Pleaded my relative.

"I suppose you're right." I said, with a sinking heart. I was starting to feel the bite on my bare arms as well. The prospect of spending the night in some animal's lair wasn't one that pleased, but when it came back, I guess I could negotiate a change of land ownership. I sat down again. "Although some creature may be coming back to claim its territory shortly."

"What should we do?"

"Stay alert, I guess." I said. "Talk to me in case I start to doze off."

"All right, what do you want to talk about?"

"Ah," An idea that had been bugging me suddenly surfaced. "What is it about Nathaniel that makes him so fascinating? I really want to know." I said sourly.

"Well," I felt Sarah blush. "It was how he unselfishly saved his rival Azarias, I think."

"I understand." I said gravely. "So I suppose--- pardon me if I'm wrong--- you don't know much about him besides that?"

There was an awkward silence for several minutes. Soundlessly, some idea dawned in my head. I mustered my courage to ask the most important question in my life:

"Sarah, I want to ask you to do something."

"Yes?"

"It may sound unreasonable---"

"Say it."

"--- It's something that Nathaniel would admire you about."

"Never mind about that. What is it?"

"Can you let Valerie marry Nathaniel?"

"Oh!" She said softly, and fell silent for some time. "But why? I thought you loved her."

"I still do." I said solemnly. "But I would do anything to bring a smile to her unhappy face. Whoever Nathaniel is married to, I'll wish him the best of joy."

I had expected some godawful silence to descend again, but instead, Sarah burst out in peals of laughter. "Tobias! That is most adorable of you. I'll certainly do my best to make them happy. Anyway they're old acquaintances. It'll hurt me just as much as you to see them unhappy."

"Dear Sarah!" I clasped her hands in delight. "So you agree?"

"Yes, I'll call the wedding off." She promised. "I've never thought you'd have it in you, Tobias. You are the most noble and sweet thing I've ever known! It's nothing for me, but I fear it would be a grievous blow for you. Everyone knows how much you love Valerie."

"On the contrary, it takes a great weight off my mind." I laughed bitterly. "I am most surprised that you would relinquish Nathaniel so readily as well. Your sacrifice does lend one a totally new respect towards women."

"Well, this isn't the first time I lose a husband." She said with a shade of melancholy. "Now, will you tell me one thing too?"

"What I know is yours."

"What is it in Valerie that can send a fearless hero like you rushing about in barren land like a headless chicken in the middle of the night?"

"I don't know." I admitted. "It's something about her that makes me feel strong and bold for the first time in my life."

"But you are strong and bold."

"I'm sure Nathaniel would be able to tell you more about her." I sighed. "I think I ought to scout outside. I fancy I hear something---"

"No, don't go!" She said plaintively. "What can happen to us in here?"

"Nothing better nor worse, probably." I conceded.

"If we were about to die, we might as well be warm." She objected.

"All right."

"And in good spirit."

"Definitely. Now, any jokes to ward off this horrible dejection…?"

* * *

To be continued...


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (9)**

_Sypnosis: In which Raphael broke the news, and Raguel had a close shave…_

Raphael's quest log (9)

The rosy sun was peeking over the horizon when Asmodeus came out, looking as fresh as a morning daisy and but far less enlightened.

"Hello, Raphael!" He said. "I can hardly believe what happened--- I woke up in my own bed this morning!"

"Wasn't that nice?"

"I know." He said. A shadow seemed to fall over his face. "But I'm supposed to wake up in Sarah's"

"Oh! I said carelessly.

"After I had a drink last night," He said doubtfully. "I could hardly remember what happened afterwards."

"Same with me." I confirmed. "Obviously some kind person carted us to our rooms."

"Do you think they'll let me try again tonight?" Said the demon hopefully.

"I doubt it." I said. "I suppose you had no idea that while you were completely under the surface, things here had taken a rather unexpected turn?"

"What?"

I pointed towards the dawn rising over the desert. "There!"

"A new day, so what?"

"Well, if you'll care to look more closely, you'd see that your fiancée had cheated on you. What would she be doing in the rocky wastes at 6 a.m. with Tobias?"

"Having a breath of fresh air?" Suggested Asmodeus, squinting.

"No need to do it together," I said sarcastically. "And holding hands, too. Isn't that a bit on the intimate side?"

"I demand an explanation, Raphael!" Said Asmodeus harshly.

"I'm no expert on this... but it is well known that on affairs of love women can be quite flexible."

"Well then I'll ask her for an explanation!"

"Is that necessary?" I said quietly, arresting the demon in its departure. "It might not be a good thing."

"What do you mean?"

"I think," I began, carefully. "You've already had your fill of fun. Besides unlike dating, getting married is, as a lot of my friends in the Abyss can attest, a whole new ball game. You wouldn't enjoy it."

"That is most considerate of you, but---"

"Apart from that, what would you do if she wanted to see the place you work, your colleagues, that sort of thing? Clueless, I should think. Better leave that stuff for mortals to deal with themselves. It's not suave at all to hang on to her like a dead log." I continued.

"Oh!" Said Asmodeus. There's no conviction in his voice now. I suppose he hadn't thought that far. Or perhaps it's because suavity was the moral code in Hell. No self-respecting demon would be seen vying with a mortal for a woman. It was perfectly _declasse_.

"What you should do," I went on smoothly. "Is to go back to Hell and tell your boss that the whole thing about you getting married is a horrible misunderstanding. I'm sure he won't pursue the matter any further."

"How would you explain my absence to Sarah?"

"I have my methods. Trust me!"

"One last question--- why do you think I'll take orders from you?" Suggested the demon darkly.

"It's all for your own good, because," I concluded mildly. "If you don't, I'll send out my trauma team to remove you forcefully. Most sorry about that, but the truth is I CAN'T STAND YOU ANY LONGER." I raised my voice a tad bit at the end, just to emphasize the point.

That reassured him. "I say, that's more like it, Raphael!" Said the demon gleefully. "So I can't even stay for the wedding?"

"No."

"All right." He sighed. "I'm a bit worried about Tobias, he's quite a good egg---"

"Goodbye!"

"--- Y' know, I can teach him a few more tricks to charm the rowdiest of the female species---"

"I'm sure he'll manage himself."

"--- By the way, please send Sarah my regards from Hell---"

"You can either leave now or send her your regards from my detention center." I said firmly. After that loony bird had finally left, it was time to receive the second party. As most of my colleagues had said, there's no rest for the virtuous:

Tobias and Sarah ambled through the backyard gate quite stiffly, like people who had slept on rocks all night. Unlike most people who had spent the night on rocks, they looked quite ecstatic about it.

"Tobias! Sarah!" I said with feigned surprise. "I'm so glad to see that you're safe! What happened? Your father was worried to death, Sarah!"

"I'm all right!" Said the female exuberantly. "Tobias rescued me most gallantly!"

"We're fine!" Affirmed the good egg. "If it wasn't for Sarah's jokes I would have froze to death, though!"

Then they spent a good 30 seconds grinning at each other stupidly. Finally Tobias spoke after Sarah nudged him in the ribs. "The fact is, Azarias, I want you to help me with something."

"Tell me all." I said benevolently.

"You see," Said Tobias, "I've told Sarah everything already, about how you got engaged to her so that she won't get married to Nathaniel---"

"I can't thank you enough, Azarias." Said Sarah with tears in her eyes. "Toby is extremely lucky to have such an honorable and loyal friend like you---"

"I am glad to be of service." I said with reserve, just in case this ghastly female took too much of an unhealthy interest in me again. The thought of getting myself hugged by someone like this made one recoil.

"Can you help me again, Azarias?"

"Just name the objective and I'll arrive with the cavalry."

"Ah--- I want to marry Sarah." Stammered Tobias. "Is there some way you can break the news to Nathaniel?"

"And Valerie?" Sarah added plaintively.

"I know what you're going to say," Said Tobias quickly. "We were in love with them before, but we discovered that, to sum things up, we don't know much about them."

"You're a bit behind on the news," I laughed heartily. "Nathaniel and Valerie have already left together last night."

"That's wonderful!" Exclaimed Sarah joyously.

"The Lord be praised!" Pipped Tobias. But an old problem reared its ugly head.

"Um, how are we supposed to tell Raguel? I suppose you won't mind, um, putting the news in words for us?"

"Considering," Added Sarah anxiously. "That Toby once said he would not marry me if I were the last person on earth."

"Well, you were not the last person on earth, anyway," I reminded Sarah. "So the situation does not arise."

"Oh, that's all right, than." Said Tobias brightly.

"As for the news, you will tell him yourself." I said adamantly. "I will provide the occasion."

"How?" Said Sarah doubtfully.

"Well, you'll know…"

After having sloshed the story of Sarah's rescue to a maid, Raguel himself came to inspect the veracity of the rumor himself a few seconds later. With the formalities of inquiring into the case and thanking Tobias performed, something seemed amiss to the old egg.

"Where's Nathaniel and Valerie?" He sniffed.

I took a step forward. "I'm afraid to tell you, sir." I began. "That they ran off together last night---"

"What?" He leaped, as if he had swallowed his breakfast the wrong way. "That--- that's outright scandalous! Guests under my roof! And to think that one of them's going to marry my daughter!"

"Well, sir---"

"Such disgraceful behavior among people whom I housed and fed!" He continued his rant. "They ought to be stoned!"

"The truth is," I coughed apologetically. "This tendency sort of runs in my family---"

"Pardon?"

"You see, my uncle, for instance, ran off with a temple-dancer, and my mother herself ran off with---"

"Enough!" Groaned the man with murder in his eyes. "Go back to your beastly family and never let me see your face in the neighborhood again!"

"Well then I must take Sarah with me."

"You stay away from my daughter!"

"I hope you haven't forgotten, sir," I said with a slightly sinister smile. "That you have sworn to let me have your daughter's hand?"

"Oh!" Said Raguel, now quaking like a pigeon in severe frost, all impending blasphemies frozen.

"Now that Nathaniel is on the run and everything, I suppose he has rather lost his qualifications?" I prompted. "Well then I ought to have what I deserve."

Tobias chose this moment to intervene. "Raguel, I want to let you know I wish to marry your daughter. We're in love, you see."

The effect was dramatic. Hope flared in the poor blighter's eyes, as if he had clutched a straw in the water. A second later he was rallying around Tobias with his arm draped over the latter's frame in the chummiest manner.

"Hear! Hear!" He chimed. "Look here, Mister Azarias--- I know I did promise you, but I make mistakes all the time. Now Tobias--- he's destined to be Sarah's husband by Moses's Laws. Between Moses and me, who'd you rather believe in?"

"If so, who am I to question Moses?" I sighed with resignation.

"Besides, this man saved my daughter too." Raguel rambled on, getting more and more enthusiastic by the moment. "You can count on Moses, he knows what's the best for Sarah."

"Whether that's true or not," I said lightly. "I guess I had better hang around just in case he dies, shouldn't I?"

This seemed to give Raguel a new bout of panic. He spoke sharply. "I'll be much obliged if you left us in private for a moment, Azarias."

"No problem." I said as I walked out. As far as my hearing was concerned, I could pick up their conversation anyway. Raguel was speaking quite wretchedly to Tobias: "Look here, Tobias. I'll give you half of my fortune plus the rest when I'm dead. Just don't die, okay?"

"Rubbish!" Declared Tobias. "Of course I won't die! I love Sarah."

"And I love him." Simpered Sarah.

"Nevertheless," Said Raguel gloomily. "I'm going to dig a grave now."

"Father!--" Protested Sarah angrily.

"Just in case you didn't make it, I'd hop in along with you." Raguel shivered, as if the thought of my despicable family tree being latched on to his had filled his spine with ants. "So please try your best to stay alive, for the sake of me!"

* * *

To be continued...


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

Disclaimer 2: Death belong to either God or Terry Pratchett.

**The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit**** (10)**

_Sypnosis: In which Death made a visit, and not everyone found the ending satisfactory...  
_

Raphael's quest log (10)

Some would suppose that I, with this frightful Rubix cube solved, would finally be able to lean back and pop my feet on a table until Tobias had successfully smashed the wedding glass. Unfortunately this was no time to start partying yet, as death still hung around the house and all was clearly not well.

To clarify my last point, I wasn't speaking figuratively at all, as anyone with some supernatural insight could see the fellow trotting around the place with work on his mind. When I said death, I meant quite distinctly the skeletal chap draped in a winding sheet. He was an anthropomorphic personification, something given shape by the imagination of men whose sole goal was to be present at deaths. It was impossible (even for an archangel) to just shoo him away, of course, as he was basically more of a phenomenon than a person. That was most regrettable, since his current objective clashed with mine.

His empty eye sockets were now focused on the servants, laying out the dinner plates. I managed to jostle past them to reach the specter.

"What do you think you are doing here, Death? Have you made a mistake?"

THIS HOUSEHOLD SEEMS TO BE REQUIRING A LOT OF MY SERVICES LATELY, RAPHAEL. Said Death in tones that sunk with a thud, like nails driven into a coffin lid.

"Well, they won't be requiring any more. Sarah, I am happy to say, has found herself a less volatile husband---"

NEVERTHELESS, I SHALL STAND-BY. Said Death, unmoved. YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

As you can see, this didn't bode well at all. Reasoning with Death was like blaming the ground while you were falling--- it wouldn't do anything to stop gravity. So, I attempted to oil some information out of him instead:

"So," I said affably. "Whom have you come for?"

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Said Death dutifully.

"Ah, you're wrong on that point," I said with barely concealed anger. "I'd be quite surprise to see anyone die. You see, Asmodeus has flashed Tobias the green light; Satan has been fried to a wisp of spirit--- wait a moment, can it be that he sent some underling to take his revenge?"

I SHALL NOT TELL. Maintained Death. A closed oyster couldn't be tighter. He would have turned to leave if I hadn't snatched his lapel (or part of his shroud, anyway) suddenly and, staring into his pitch-black sockets, began to read his mind. I had never tried doing this to a supernatural being before--- their thought processes were usually a little on the insanely fanciful side. But Death, on the other hand, had abysmal intellect, negligible imagination and, in other words, not much on his mind apart from deathly matters. His eyes simply sucked in my mind like a bottomless well and it was with a great effort that I pulled out. There was nothing in there but a fleeting image of something like a snake, although calling it a snake would be quite derogatory to the species: it was a basilisk, the serpent accursed by God, a legendary monster whose very gaze could strike a man dead.

"The Prince of Darkness?" I recoiled. 'But why on earth should he come back for Sarah... again? He ought to send his underlings at the very least. According to Michael's knowledge, he was powerless vapor--- unless… " I choked at the memory. "… Unless he adopts some dangerous physical form…"

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? Said Death with an offended air. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME.

I didn't quite catch his comment, though, as something connected in my mind. Possibly Asmodeus's explanation was not too convincing. It was natural that Satan, newly regenerated after Michael's assault, would punish him by killing Sarah. And, since demons rarely fought among themselves, it was imperative that if any major suffering had to be dished out, the boss had to do it.

This presented a new difficulty, though. Although a basilisk was a mere animal that could be easily fried to a crisp with a bolt of lightening, we angels were forbidden to abuse our divine powers on the creature. This was actually quite embarrassing, as a lot of us did something of the sort in our youthful days (when The Adversary was stuck in that shape), such that The Lord got displeased and told us to leave him alone.

Fortunately, there were still ways to get around this. One of them was to hire a hero at Archangel Michael's agency. In days of yore, there were heroes who would slay a basilisk for quite a modest sum of money. However, the idea didn't appeal to me much at that time because I already owed Michael quite a lot, and the sight of me approaching the office door would probably send him bolting like an electrified cheetah.

But, leaving my divine powers aside, it is still possible for me to dispose of the Accursed Serpent legitimately--- namely by doing the job most heroes did (which consisted of swinging some sort of weapon physically) myself. The snag was, I couldn't let Satan know that **I** did him in, as he would be saying some pretty nasty things about me to God ASAP, an agonizing situation I would much prefer not to arise. Apart from that, this seemed to be a sound plan--- if heroes could do it, there's no reason why an archangel would fail… was there?

So, getting myself a perfectly ordinary crossbow, I arranged matters with Tobias to provide a suitable fighting space.

"Tobias, have I ever told you that I know how to exorcise demons? I would be happy to perform the task tonight."

"What do you mean? That Asmodeus isn't going to bother us again! Everyone as far as rumor could reach knows that I love Sarah."

"How can you count on a demon's word, Tobias?" I rebuked. "It's a well know fact that they are up to no good. In case you don't know, all the servants are betting on whether you would outlive the last seven, and the price on your prevailing is about twenty to one."

"Is that good or bad?" Said Tobias uneasily.

"Relax!" I said. "As I happen to be the only one who put my money on you, I ought to make sure you spend the night safe and sound in order to reap my winnings, oughtn't I?"

"Ah, thank you for your faith, Azarias," Said Tobias weakly. "So how do you propose to exorcise this demon?"

"Let me see--- do you happen to have some blood of a cockerel? Or a lamb, for that matter?"

"I'm afraid not. However, I'm sure I can ask Raguel to sacrifice one of his for the cause."

"Oh, I wouldn't bother the poor man anymore." I said hastily. "By the way, do you still have those entrails from the fish you caught, or have you fed them to your dog?"

"I think I've forgotten to give them to Toby." Said Tobias, retrieving the packet from the depths of his cloak. "What do you propose to do with them?"

"I'm going to burn them on a lamp inside Sarah's bed." I explained. "It--- um, can drive away demons."

"And me as well! The bed will smell like fish!"

"Right you are!" I said. "You don't want to sleep on a bed that smells like the inside of a whale, so I propose you two sleep in my room tonight and wait for the good news."

"Is that all? Can we do anything to help?"

"Probably," I said, rather practically. "Stay awake and jump out of the window if you smell anything burning, and don't look back for the love of life."

"Oh my God! Can it be as bad as that? Anything else we can do?"

"Praying would help, of course. Keep the volume low, though."

* * *

Raphael's quest log--- The Showdown

Actually what I told Tobias about the fish entrails wasn't quite germane to the issue: while demons might indeed be driven away by the powerful odor, it simply beckoned to a hungry basilisk like salmon mousse. Although some time before I had doubted its potency compared to a pint of boiling cockerel blood, it had my complete faith now. Shortly after I had placed it on the lamp inside Sarah's bed and let down the veil to conceal it, its smell suffused the air so overpoweringly that I was beginning to think turning out my lungs for a rinse would be a good idea.

Although I didn't keep a good track of time, sometime around the point when I thought it would be necessarily to turn out my stomach (as well) marked the exact passage of five days since Satan last got banished. As I had expected, the serpent was punctual in returning, and made a beeline for Sarah's room, as I had hoped. From the place where I was hiding, which was behind a curtain, he looked like a bright green boa that had recently swallowed a mast, with an inner evil so intense that left scorch marks on Raguel's priceless carpets behind him. His eyes, glittering with Hellfire, had ended the career of many a hero, but since we were not looking at each other at the same time, I was safe from those death-rays.

Well, enough for field identification. I raised my X-bow, aimed carefully at the slender neck, and was bracing myself for the knockback effect when something hurtled in, barking madly. It turned out to be Tobias's dog, here to claim supremacy over its food, I assumed. There was no match there--- the basilisk merely turned its head a fraction, and next instant the dog was an immobile cooling corpse.

Suppressing a shudder, I readied my crossbow again and took sight again as the serpent sailed towards Sarah's bed, tail flicking contemptuously. Once again, his advance was intercepted by defender #2, which happened to be Tobias's dog AGAIN, now mysteriously resurrected and growling at the foot of Sarah's bed with zombie-like persistence. Satan gave a shrill hiss that could have been a laugh.

"Ah, Asssmodeusss," He hissed. "We meet at lassst. Ssstill clussstering around young Sssarah, I asssume?"

Asmodeus trembled like something on the vet's table, but stood his ground. "Go away!" He snarled. "Or…"

"Or what?" Said Satan sarcastically. "I wasss inclined to believe that the incident with Michael wasss a mere accident, but now, it might pleassse you to know that, if sssome accident happen to befall me here, within the ssspace of an hour every demon in Hell would be after you with terrible thingsss in ssstore ---"

Asmodeus stood there dumbly. Although it was not clear whether he was wondering what Michael did to Satan, or what terrible things were in store for him, or why the deuce his superior was so mad, he was shaking so badly now that someone would have mistaken him as a terminal case of rabies.

"--- ssso," Satan continued smugly. "If you are ssstill one of usss..." He paused suddenly. "Move out of my way." He finished awkwardly, looking confused.

Both Asmodeus and me gaped at the Prince of Darkness in disbelieve. Any demon lord worth his damnation would come up with something better, like demand Asmodeus to kill Sarah, and so on. Obviously, the smell of fish had induced the serpent's instincts to push loftier matters aside and aim for the practical.

"Over my dead body, woof!" Said Asmodeus suddenly, also looking baffled. But some voice in his head told him that he ought to keep the foul-smelling intruder from his food.

"As you wisssh." Said Satan impatiently, his tongue tasting the air most devoutly. Round #2 lasted a little longer. To most it looked like a green blur. Only my supernatural eyesight could see the basilisk's head shoot out like a spring and snap around the undead-dog. It then shook Asmodeus like a rag doll until virtually every bone popped and the spirit of Asmodeus fled in agony.

"I commend you on your choice of woman, Asssmodeusss." Said Satan after spitting out the once again lifeless dog (obviously it did not taste good). He trickled next to Sarah's bed and gingerly lifted the veil with his tail. "Sssarah smelled most deliciousss. I ssshall certainly look forward to---"

He was cut short at this point, as he came face-to-face with defendant #3, a full-length mirror I had placed on the bed with some foresight.

* * *

Raphael's quest log--- Resolution

Satan's rage-filled scream certainly spared no effort. People in half a mile's radius could hear something that sounded like a heap of scrap metal being dragged over un-lubricated steel. Then he slumped down like a de-boned fish, hitting the ground with an unceremonious smack.

Thus ended the duel between Raphael the Hero and the Basilisk--- not a divine spell raised, as per contract. This unholy terror simply committed suicide against a painfully simple optical device.

The crowd didn't exactly go wild, but the referee of the match glided up to inspect my fallen opponent.

Although it was impossible for Death's face to betray emotion, he seemed to emit a certain air of satisfaction. I THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION, RAPHAEL.

"What do you mean? I thought you came for Sarah or Tobias!" I breathed sharply.

NO. IS THERE A PROBLEM?

"Not at all." I said hurriedly. After Death had departed, Asmodeus crawled back in, a shadow of his former self. The loss of his body had only enabled him to tremble more vigorously than it was physically possible.

"How--- how could you do such a thing?" He managed to whisper. "And where's Sarah?"

"Really, to think that you have the cheek to ask me!" I drew myself up haughtily. "I gather from the conversation that you hadn't been explaining things to your commander, thus he thought you were a traitor of some sort."

"I'm sorry!" Whined Asmodeus, now literally vibrating like excited helium. "I had gone back to Below, but it suddenly occurred to me that it would be fun to come back and check on how things are going on---"

"Enough!" I said rather severely. "Then you'd better go back and do the explaining, before a demonic army turns up to massacre poor Sarah. I would be quite mad about it, you know."

"How could I?" Said Asmodeus with a pained yelp. "As you well know, if my commander doesn't return within an hour a demonic murder-squad will be after my ass," He gave the serpent's prone corpse a hopeless kick. "And now you're telling me to tell my would-be persecutors that my commander is dead!"

I gave this some thought. "That sounds grave indeed." I conceded. "But things will turn out all right yet. As all could see, you did try to stop your superior from getting himself killed. I'm sure that when he wakes up, he would look upon your transgressions in a more kindly light."

Asmodeus gave a hollow laugh. "I wonder if you have paid any attention to lore, Raphael. But if a basilisk dies, it can only be reborn in an egg hatched by a 3-year-old cockerel, or something of the sort. This process takes an age."

"Yes, I have heard something of the like..."

His tone grew deader. "So, before my superior could crawl back to Hell and shower his mercy on me, the legions of Hell would long ago have pounded out my stuffing and scattered it to the four winds."

"Hmm…"

"And, this would create a severe obstacle for my explaining. It would take ages for them to put me back in one piece." Said Asmodeus. There was so much suffering in his face that he could have been used as a Grade-A tomb ornament.

"So what do you propose to do?" I said, not unkindly. Although Asmodeus had been a pain in every region, we angels were not devoid of the milk of kindness.

Asmodeus melted like butter before a stove. "Save me, Raphael!" He managed to quaver. "Keep me in your detention center for a month and I swear by all that is unholy that I won't hinder your business again."

I shook my head somberly. "I am most sorry, old chap." I said with a pang of pain. "But I'm afraid this is impossible, for if the demonic mob got wind that I was keeping you under my desk, they would accost me at every corner, making it impossible for any mission to be undertaken."

"Oh!" Asmodeus got back to his feet with a most gallant effort. He seemed to be past terror now, although his eyes stared blankly at something in the distance. "Well then, I suppose I'll prepare myself to run until my shadow can't find me with a map."

"That doesn't occur to me as a very sound plan." I commented. Something occurred to my mind. "I have something that might possibly work, though."

"Oh?" Asmodeus's eyes finally focused again. "What is it?"

I got a notebook out of my pocket and began to write. "I know a safe place that can shelter you for a while."

"Go on."

"You will temporarily stay in Archangel Michael's army as a captive."

"You're mad!" Protested Asmodeus, his eyes shining pure terror. "He hates me to the core!"

I ignored the remark. "I think he will be quite pleased to see you. I have written him a letter explaining the circumstances---"

"Totally out of your mind! ---" Asmodeus continued energetically.

" --- He will treat you quite appropriately, of course--- nothing drastic apart from giving you a black eye, figuratively speaking, to make it look convincing to your folks."

"--- Utterly blithering!"

"He's somewhere in Egypt right now. Here's the letter--- I would hurry along if I were you."

"I'm doomed!" Commented Asmodeus in the toneless voice of a convict whose life sentence had just been replaced by the electric chair. He took the letter, though. "Oh well..."

"So," I emphasize the point again, for with an empty-headed sap like Asmodeus you couldn't be too careful. "In return, you must explain to your superior--- as soon as he returns--- that you have nothing to do with Sarah."

"Of course." Said Asmodeus with dull horror.

"And please tell him that he had been killed by a hero, if you would be so kind." I said hopefully. The Prince of Darkness had a policy of not hunting down heroes for revenge. Due to their generally short life expectancies, there's usually not enough time for him to get back to them anyway.

"Anything. I'm doomed!" Repeated Asmodeus devoutly, as he lurched out like a mummy from its sarcophagus.

"Chin up, old fellow!" I cheered after him. "It may be quite exciting!"

Now that Asmodeus had ceased (as far as the near future was concerned) to be a nuisance to all, I took care of the aftermath--- namely wiping slime off the floor, stuffing the dead basilisk into an my overnight bag and covering the sad remains of Toby with a cloth. I shed a quiet tear for this animal that gave its life so fearlessly for its mistress's, but God's will, not mine, must be done...

Fortunately, it was also God's will that loyal little dogs shouldn't get slain by evil monsters. No sooner had I finished its brief funeral service, the cloth miraculously stirred, and the animal crept out with life returning to its limbs. The spectacle was slightly hampered by the fact that it walked right into a wall and bumped its nose with a yowl. Upon my inspection, its face was still gummed with basilisk venom, such that naturally it could not see nor smell anything.

It was therefore Raphael's task to give this miracle a fitting end. I had indeed studied lore concerning basilisks. Some hero, I recalled, had suggested the insides of a basilisk as a miraculous cure for all maladies. After a brief autopsy, I extracted the gall, which was a likely antidote. Upon experimenting on Toby I discovered that with a rather unscientific efficiency, it dissolved all the slime in no time, rendering Toby bright-eyed and wet-nosed once again. At that moment, I thought of some future use for it…

* * *

Raphael's quest log--- The Book of Tobit

Sad to say, I did not stay for the wedding celebrations. Firmly convinced that I was an acclaimed women-stealer, Raguel booted me off the premises temporarily because he found it embarrassing to explain my identity to the guests at the banquet. Tobias and Sarah were most dissatisfied about this treatment, but Raphael was also keen not to raise problems, so I told them that I would collect Tobias's money from Gabael so that he could return home as early as possible

After I had collected said funds from Gabael and returned to Raguel's, it was time to take my leave. Tobias and Sarah, now securely hitched, expressed nothing short of outrage:

"But Azarias!" Objected Sarah shrilly. "You can't leave us now! Please go back to Tobias's home with us, and we will throw a party in your honor."

"I'm afraid I have some urgent business, Sarah." I maintained. "I will stop by Tobias's place when I have the time, though."

"You ought to come back with us first, old friend," Ventured Tobias, trying to manipulate the economic incentive. "My father still hasn't paid your expenses! If you don't collect it right away the sum would be rendered useless by inflation."

"Nevertheless, I can't oblige this time." I said. "I have a wedding gift for you two, though."

"That is most sweet of you, but---" Insisted Tobias, but stopped as I handed him a packet. "What is it?"

"It's---" I searched for an appropriate explanation, but decided to give up. "--- the gall of the fish you caught. I… have discovered some medical applications for it. Just put it on your father's eyes and his blindness will be cured."

"It's rather heavy!" Said Tobias, surprised.

"Possibly fermentation?" I suggested politely. "Anyway, I wish you a safe journey home and lifelong happiness. May the Lord's blessings be with you!"

* * *

A short time later, I was back at my office in Heaven when Archangel Gabriel sailed in.

"Magnificent!" He peered at my mounted basilisk specimen enviously. "You do have great taste in souvenirs. How is Tobias?"

"Life sentence with Sarah." I reported. "Not pining for him, are you? You don't seem to be quite happy."

"Concerning the matter," Gabriel allowed himself a thin smile. "No one can be happier than me--- all I hope is that their offspring don't take after them. But what in Heaven are you doing here? You are supposed to go back with Tobias and tell his father that all's well and God is smiling on him from His throne. Do I need to remind you that your mission is supposed to be God's Will? And here you are, twiddling your fingers idly while people attribute your success to dumb luck. This is no way to treat God's Will, I tell you."

"Calm down, Gabriel." I polished my specimen's scales calmly. "Please understand that it's all for the best. How can I bring myself to tell them that I am a messenger of God? Am I supposed to say, 'Look here, I am Archangel Raphael carrying out God's Will, albeit with a few blunders on the way'? People will wonder, Gabriel, about who Valerie is, and so on. This doesn't sound like the kind of stuff that goes down in scriptures."

"I must admit you're right." Said Gabriel, his smile now a strange one. "But concerning the scriptures, there is no cause for worry. What is it that the Scribes and Pharisees write down, anyway? What I dictate to them, naturally. So, just blast away the truth and I'll ensure that it won't get recorded."

"Won't people spot the difference?" I reasoned. "After all they are going to hear about it from Tobias."

"Ah," Said Gabriel, warming to the matter. " We must once again employ the power of rumor. Just tell Tobit the truth, skip over the details on Valerie, and later spread rumors of a different version in town. I have, in fact, compiled the stuff." He drew out a slim booklet from his sleeve. It bore the words 'The Official Book of Tobit' on the cover.

I read it briefly. "My God!" I said weakly. "How did you manage to think of all this? It sounded just like the stuff in scriptures. I would have believed it myself."

Gabriel looked quite pleased. "I had, thankfully, procured Tobias's diary and got much of my inspiration from there. This mortal only has bits and pieces of the truth. Whatever he can say about the whole affair, it will not make sense to outsiders. Besides, I did make an effort to convey symbolic meaning in everything. The fish, for example, actually means something. Scholars will be studying it for years."

"Dear Gabriel!" I pocketed the book with trembling hands. "Thank God you are here to put things right!"

"And I thank God that you have put things right." Said Gabriel benevolently. "But the ending still depends on you. I see Tobias heading for home now. So return with him now, then reveal yourself and convey God's blessings with a loudspeaker. He'll probably need it, considering that I had cursed him to the umpteenth generation."

"Then dissipate rumor with a even louder loudspeaker?" I was beginning to enjoy this.

"Exactly. I await hearing about it," Said Gabriel with a knowing wink. "Literally."

* * *

Finale--- Archangel Raphael, one of the seven

Tobias was sitting under a tree, with a dazed expression of one who had narrowly escaped a heart attack. The dog Toby had long ago stopped trying to cheer him up, and was now digging a hole in the ground with a hopeful expression. Sarah stole up and laid a hand on Tobias's shoulder.

"Tobias?" She said in a whisper.

"Sarah?" Said Tobias with a start. "Did you hear---"

"Yes." Said Sarah.

"I'm totally confused, Sarah." Said Tobias.

"So am I. Would you mind telling me about---"

"Oh, you mean my whole journey?" Said Tobias wearily. "Ask any scribe around and they'll give you a really detailed account that you'd think they had been there, taking notes all along."

"I know. I just met one myself--- Funny how news get round so quickly." Said Sarah thoughtfully. "Their account of how we knew each other was ridiculous, though. What's all that crap about the fish that attacked you?"

"Don't ask me." Said Tobias glumly. "My head is totally in the clouds. There's something really fishy about the whole thing--- I tried to consult my neighbors for their opinions, but they all insisted that I was lying. On top of that, someone stole my diary."

"I wonder who Valerie is…" Said Sarah in awe. "You had good taste though--- first time in love and you drew an archangel's sister for your lot."

"I wonder who Nathaniel is." Said Tobias, looking more troubled. "He said he used to know Valerie…"

"Do you think we ought to tell this to people?" Said Sarah, likewise perturbed. "Someone might be able to make sense of all this."

"Who'd believe us?" Said Tobias with a hopeless gesture. "Even my father thinks I'm talking rot."

"The truth is out there…" Said Sarah hopefully.

"I don't think we'll ever find out, Sarah," Said Tobias, putting an arm around his wife. "Unless I happen to get my hands on that angel one day. Let's keep the truth inside our heads for the time being."

"I feel like we're dealing with something too complicated for mortal understanding." Sighed Sarah.

"One day," Said Tobias, his voice trembling. "The truth will be known. One day…"

* * *

**THE END**


End file.
